Michael Bay Raped Me: The Movie That Scared My Anus

"Maybe I have just a younger voice than many other directors."  - Michael Bay

Perhaps that explains his some sort of homo-erotic revenge scheme on one fo the greatest horror icons of all time.

You'll have to excuse me, I just saw Nightmare On Elm Street, the Michael Bay version, and I am traumatized.

As a small child, I recall, vividly, my memories of the phemomenom that was Freddy Krueger.  I remember every Nightmare On Elm Street installment (including Freddy's Dead AND New Nightmare) as well as every bad dream I had after each one.  I remember Freddy's clever wit and Batman villain-esque like one liners.  I remember my first Freddy glove.  I remember Renee Hardin letting me stimulate her clitoris with that very glove, years later, to ultimate success.  I remember laughing off the utter ridiculousness of Freddy's Dead.  I remember that to this day, I am still slightly un-nerved by Nightmare On Elm Street 2.

Freddy Krueger was a champion antagonist to most kids of my generation, black or white.  Sure, within the story he was a child murderer, serial killer, and all around asshole, but simply put, he was a pop icon.

Not anymore. . . .

My problem is not particularly the film itself.

Apparently, Michael Bay, along with Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer, decided, in what seems like a terrible attempt to up Mr. Krueger's terror, to change him from awesomely snarky murderer to. . . . .

. . . drumroll please. . .

. . . pedophile. . .

A Goddamned pedophile.

Michael Bay just ruins my whole fucking childhood by replacing my beloved Fred with this creeptard Fredophile version.

This is not a knock to James Earl Hailey either.  I feel that he played the part well, according to the script.

My issue is simply that my memory of Freddy being a badass, dream hopping smarty pantshas now been molested by this baby fiddler.

Now when I think back on famous Krueger qoutes, such as "You're all my children now" and "Wanna suck face?" I gotta be disgusted and pissed? 

If and when I have my traditional, one time Elm St. movie nightmare, do I have to worry about Freddy fucking me in the ass?

Not cool. . . . .

******Spoiler Alert*********  There's one point, when Nancy falls asleep, she wakes up in this bed, all decked out in the same kind of school girl dress that the creepy little chics wore in the originals.  Apparently, Nancy was formerly one of those girls in real life, back when Freddy was scamming kid tail.  She lays there, he shows up, and at some point, starts tracing his his finger blade down her neck, around her chest/breast towards her belly button and eventually to God knows where.   All this as he recites a classic line from the original "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy". 

Really?

Fucking ewww. . . . .

What next?

In the Smurfs remake, we find out that PaPa Smurf is some weird, sex crazed, bi sexual scientologist cult leader.

Max Headroom was the first ever Neo-Nazi/Aryan internet prototype.

You see my point?

Now, when somebody dons the customary Freddy mask and metal clawed brown leather glove, they're just an asshole,. . . . . the skeevy kind, not the lovable Kanye kind.

When sex offenders get registered, they should just recieve government issued green and red striped sweaters, so we know who they are.

Total ruin. . . .

It's like I feel as if Freddy just got made to look like a total fuck nugget by the media.

Is this how Condoleeza Rice felt when she first saw Oliver Stone's "W."?

Speaking of people with vaginas. . . . . . . . . .

Yarah Bravo

You probably have no idea who she is.  Neither did I.  Somehow, I stumbled across her while searching through blogs that were suggested to me based on my interests.

She's a female hiphop emcee from Sweden (half Chilean/half Brazilan), and part of the hiphop group One Self includes Blu Rum 13 and (sadly her husband) Dj Vadim.

Her music is pretty retro hiphop, with that obvious european influence of retro-everything else, which you can check out HERE.

She's obviously talented and passionate about her craft, but for the sake of her Vagin Hero status, what impressed me about her is the fact that she's a female hiphop artist without all the Americanized over-sexing, and frankly, her physical appearance blows ANY hiphop chic outta the water.  She easily has the prettiest smile in hiphop.  People like Nicki Minaj, Lil' Kim, Lauryn Hill, Trina, Foxy Brown, and Eve look like low rent bust downs compared to her, her naturally gorgeous face, and her "not trying so hard" demeanor.  Female emcees take note; this is how you become a Vagina Hero, Enjoy. . . . .