So i got bored and just decided to post some old tracks i may or may not have posted before... enjoy. . .or whatever.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Monday, November 22, 2010
Public Service Announcement v.1
Rapists. We all know at least 3. As sad as that may be its a truth that should completely invade your mind with reckless abandon without any regard for your acceptance of this intrusive thought. See. Do I know 3? Definitely. #1 Some dude named Ryan I worked with at TGIFriday's. I found out he was a rapist through one of those Google Sex Offender Maps on the internet. The 2nd is a past cohort Morry Davis. Now this is only an assumption, however I think I knew him a sufficient amount of time to suspect him as a weekender. The 3rd is a woman, whose name I will exclude. I was her victim. Though I became an eventual consenter three fourths thru the attack, I still claim this as rape.
As I write this, I am currently in the midst of of possible rapists. I am in Griffith, Indiana, a breeding ground for the creepy and mystical masters of the art of fleshly breaking and entering. Statistically speaking, within the confines of the northwest Indiana region, for every 10 Caucasian girls you meet, 7 of them has a story about being raped, or at the very least narrowly escaping it. Out of that 7, 6 of them suffered said act from a Griffith resident (or at the least, they worked at the Griffith Menard's). These are facts people.
As I look around, my third eye opens to point them out. There's a 60 something causasian man with his lovely wife. They are very middle American and suburban as he sits in his black wranglers with his black and white flannelled shirt, pocket protector/eye glass case in tow.
Sorry, there's a hot Latin girl singing karaoke (Lauryn Hill) right now. Unfortunately, she may be someone's victim tonight. Poor girl.
The man from earlier, probably a school teacher, definitely a weekender. He most likely prefers high school targets, which, let's face it, if rape is your field, that's about the easiest target with resistance. There's a black dude in a Tim Duncan away jersey and old school all black "locs" (sunglasses, similar to what a member of NWA might wear), a rapist without question.
Suspects EVERYwhere.
Surprisingly, sometimes that may not be enough. As "Freaks Come Out At Night" plays in my earholes, Griffith's finest have gathered in joyful unison, my blood pressure rises. Danger is afoot, ...with five volatile toes. The school teacher, Tim Duncan, some creeptard in a Nike hoodie, a black dude in a River Oaks mall sweater/skull cap/boot set (mandatory cheap blue tooth), and some chic in black leather leggings. The high council has assembled. Someone's innocence and self respect are in true peril right now. The rape hormone is thick in this smoke filled air. On the bar tv, the audience of the Oprah show is in hysterics, as the Christmas themed set hints, she's giving away shit. These visuals inspire my view of what the ancient city Sodom and Gomorrah would be like. Complete chaos.
Never judge a book by its cover. The hot Latina girl I referred to earlier, the very one whose vagina I feared for? She's now singing "The Thong Song" by Sisco. The aggressee becomes the aggressor.
I wonder if more than a certain number of rapists in one town constitute the use of a Union? It would probably keep things more organized. From the rapist's stand point at least.
Where's my waitress?
Probably somewhere getting raped.
I know, my words seem harsh and borderline negligent. I do realize this. What you guys need to realize is this town of Griffith in the state of Indiana is lawless. It's a "rape or be raped" society in these parts, and unless you rock iron panties, your p's and q's need to be kept close and guarded like you're the Lord of the Ring. Human hyenas I tell you. If R. Kelly or Michael Jackson walked in here, it would be as if Jesus walked into a Mexican restaurant. Complete and utter reverence.
As the intro to Purple Rain begins to play, someone felt it necessary to scream out "This is by Prince!". These are terrible times we live in people. The high council of Region rapists assemble with potential victims on the dance floor. My exit is now a must. I've spent too much time in this House of 1,000 "future" Corpses. As much as I love and adore the discography of Prince Nelson Rogers, this is only fuel to the fire. I think this girl whose found her duty to fuck up the lyrics to Purple Rain just might get raped by the entire bar, on general principle. I may have to support this one isolated incident. You really deserve to be raped if you don't know the lyrics to Purple Rain.
If Ya Smell What The Brit Is Cookin'
The music scene, especially those who go pop, reminds me so much of professional wrestling sometimes. You have your “Faces” aka good guys (I.e. Taylor Swift, Justin Beiber, Fresh Prince, etc). You have your “Heels” aka bad guys (I.e. Kanye West, John Mayer, Ke$ha, etc). You’ve got your “Stables” aka groups or factions (I.e. Black Eyed Peas, Death Row Records, and whatever you call Jay-Z, Kanye, and Beyonce). More so than the others, you have your “Tweeners” aka the people you simultaneously love to hate or hate to love, depending on the day. Madonna was one, before she became like the Ric Flair of pop. Kanye himself is actually a Tweener right now, in the Randy Orton sort of way. Lady Gaga, most definitely is a Tweener, but in wrestling terms, she’s probably The Rock of right now. Electrifying in the way that she knows how to snatch the attention of the audience.
This wrestling comparison comes to mind because just like huge Wrestlemania matches, pop has those big time main events, when two huge names go at it in some way, shape or form. It might be literal beef, as in the whole Kanye/Taylor fiasco. It might be in the form of award show nominations/performances/appearances, like say how Beyonce and Lady GaGa battled for who had the hugest year that year. It might just simply be simultaneous release dates of albums, much like the whole Kanye west vs. 50 Cent Loser Must Retire match.
Whatever it may be, I am requesting a return of a former multi time world champion vs. current world champion.
That’s right. I want Lady GaGa, in the center of the squared circle. On the mic, building up the crowd, giving a promo (that’s promotional speech for those NOT in the know) about her current dominance, when suddenly, at a key moment in her speech. . . . “It’s Britney Bitch!” hits the speaker system, the crowd goes crazy. Lady GaGa removes her old school white washed Cadillac hub capped fashioned sunglasses and stares at the entrance stage. Then, without notice we hear “Hit Me Baby One More Time” as Britney appears behind GaGa and hits her with a steel chair.
Now this is all metaphorical mind you. But seriously, how huge would it be in the pop world for Britney to come back with some hard hitting, brain freezing annoying hit single that shakes radio and club Djs at their very core. We then find out that Lady GaGa and Spears’ new albums are to be released on the same day. Sure, Lady GaGa is probably the better singer. She also does something Britney doesn’t do, and that’s write all her own shit. As far as dancing goes, it depends on your mood. Gaga’s got moves, as unorthodox and hideously syncopated as they may be, that crazy drunk girl, zombie styled choreography is new and innovative, but let’s face it, Britney’s FAR hotter, FAR sexier, and FAR more well proportioned than her challenger. This makes ANY dance moves she does (and yes, the bitch can dance) far more eye milking. Let’s also be completely honest, in the pop leagues, sex sells, and while Lady Gaga’s style leans more toward ambiguity, Britney’s is straight up If You Seek Amy.
There’s also a nice back story about how Britney’s new songs were recently saved or salvaged from some sort of fire. There’s nothing like a juicy storyline that adds to the stigma/record sales of a pop/drama queen. Did Lady GaGa secretly set said fire? I’m 99.9% sure she didn’t, but it just be really more entertaining if she did. It’s alright super action packed that the owner of said house of flames stated that the cause of the fire was from his car exploding. How much more enthralling would it be if someone from Lady Gaga’s camp rigged his car with some type of raw meat constructed bomb? I’m just saying.
The key to who wins this battle is obviously between two key groups that keep any pop machine moving; the Gays and the kids. Lady GaGa has always had the Gays on lock, but let’s not forget how dedicated the Gays have always been to Britney. When us breeders turned our backs on her crazy ass during her bald headed, Federline slumming break down, the Gays stuck by her like, for lack of a more appropriate metaphor, dicks to ass. And while I do understand kids like Lady GaGa, this one may be tricky. On one hand, the kids who love GaGa now were like babies when Britney was at her most dominant. She’d almost be new to them in a way. On the other hand, as much as a tweenage girl may like and respect the Lady, most girls would rather strive to look like Britney when they get older, which for them would be 15 yrs old. It’s the demographics that truly breed champions.
Britney Spears, I wish you the best. If you ARE pitted against the pop machine known as Lady GaGa, here’s some sound advice. DO NOT COPY HER STYLE. Your former nemesis Xtina did. She failed horribly. More horribly than she did when she battled you. Ke$ha did, and though she’s held some success, most would reluctantly admit that they loathe looking at that girl. Do NOT COPY HER GAGA’s STYLE. If you do, it will be your downfall. Do your Britney thing. Don’t let them swindle you into believing that you should be like her, because if they ARE saying that to you, it’s just a plot to assassinate your career. When it comes down to it, simply just be as sexy as possible. You have Lady GaGa beat in that department just by taking a poop when you wake up. Personally, I would say experiment with some producers. Of course you want to keep your dance theme going, that’s what got you to the. . .er, dance, but why not cop a quick Kanye remix, or nab some sort of LMFAO/Lil’ Jon club mix? It really couldn’t hurt. Tap both markets. Be that chic who rocks the GaGa crowd as well as the Beyonce crowd. I truly do wish Britney Spears the best. The more she succeeds, the more of her we see. The more of her we see, the more we ALL win.
This wrestling comparison comes to mind because just like huge Wrestlemania matches, pop has those big time main events, when two huge names go at it in some way, shape or form. It might be literal beef, as in the whole Kanye/Taylor fiasco. It might be in the form of award show nominations/performances/appearances, like say how Beyonce and Lady GaGa battled for who had the hugest year that year. It might just simply be simultaneous release dates of albums, much like the whole Kanye west vs. 50 Cent Loser Must Retire match.
Whatever it may be, I am requesting a return of a former multi time world champion vs. current world champion.
Lady GaGa vs. Britney Spears
That’s right. I want Lady GaGa, in the center of the squared circle. On the mic, building up the crowd, giving a promo (that’s promotional speech for those NOT in the know) about her current dominance, when suddenly, at a key moment in her speech. . . . “It’s Britney Bitch!” hits the speaker system, the crowd goes crazy. Lady GaGa removes her old school white washed Cadillac hub capped fashioned sunglasses and stares at the entrance stage. Then, without notice we hear “Hit Me Baby One More Time” as Britney appears behind GaGa and hits her with a steel chair.
Now this is all metaphorical mind you. But seriously, how huge would it be in the pop world for Britney to come back with some hard hitting, brain freezing annoying hit single that shakes radio and club Djs at their very core. We then find out that Lady GaGa and Spears’ new albums are to be released on the same day. Sure, Lady GaGa is probably the better singer. She also does something Britney doesn’t do, and that’s write all her own shit. As far as dancing goes, it depends on your mood. Gaga’s got moves, as unorthodox and hideously syncopated as they may be, that crazy drunk girl, zombie styled choreography is new and innovative, but let’s face it, Britney’s FAR hotter, FAR sexier, and FAR more well proportioned than her challenger. This makes ANY dance moves she does (and yes, the bitch can dance) far more eye milking. Let’s also be completely honest, in the pop leagues, sex sells, and while Lady Gaga’s style leans more toward ambiguity, Britney’s is straight up If You Seek Amy.
The question is though, what has Brit been working on? Is she in total mom mode? Is she done with her “circus” act of a lifestyle. For all we know, Britney could return on some crazy introspective emo country type catastrophe. Not likely. I truly believe Britney’s life force is the clubs. Her last run was actually pretty leveled with her post breakdown run. Even right after her head shaving and custody battling, when she showed up as the opening act for the VMA’s all “schwasted” or whatever, her “terrible” performance was still better than somebody like Ke$ha’s best. Then came the Circus. Her body snapped back like a rubber band. Some may even say it got better. Her songs, as far as pop goes, were well constructed, just the right dosage of tipsy whore and socialite refinery. Did I mention how hot she was? What’s ironic is right when Britney’s last album finally died out, Lady GaGa was just walking through the door. GaGa has kind of raised the bar as far as pop writing goes. Who’s writing Britney’s stuff now? It obviously ain’t two of the biggest writers during that last Britney era, which were ironically enough Lady GaGa and Ke$ha; they kind of got their own thing going on. So what has the Brit been cooking?
Word has it from the web vine that Britney’s dabbling in a more grimier dirtier sound. It’s reported that Dr. Luke and longtime Brit producer Max Martin are hard at work at creating this deep electronic soundscape. Now, I’m no pop music guru, so though I get a sense of what they mean, it may be WAY over my head on how it actually sounds. Would I say GaGa is grimier and dirtier than the Britney we’ve known? Definitely. And funny thing is, I always said that if Britney had a time machine, she would most definitely had used her breakdown moment and created her own Fame Monster post that. However you add grimier and dirtier to Ms. Spears, it’s alright with me.
The key to who wins this battle is obviously between two key groups that keep any pop machine moving; the Gays and the kids. Lady GaGa has always had the Gays on lock, but let’s not forget how dedicated the Gays have always been to Britney. When us breeders turned our backs on her crazy ass during her bald headed, Federline slumming break down, the Gays stuck by her like, for lack of a more appropriate metaphor, dicks to ass. And while I do understand kids like Lady GaGa, this one may be tricky. On one hand, the kids who love GaGa now were like babies when Britney was at her most dominant. She’d almost be new to them in a way. On the other hand, as much as a tweenage girl may like and respect the Lady, most girls would rather strive to look like Britney when they get older, which for them would be 15 yrs old. It’s the demographics that truly breed champions.
Britney Spears, I wish you the best. If you ARE pitted against the pop machine known as Lady GaGa, here’s some sound advice. DO NOT COPY HER STYLE. Your former nemesis Xtina did. She failed horribly. More horribly than she did when she battled you. Ke$ha did, and though she’s held some success, most would reluctantly admit that they loathe looking at that girl. Do NOT COPY HER GAGA’s STYLE. If you do, it will be your downfall. Do your Britney thing. Don’t let them swindle you into believing that you should be like her, because if they ARE saying that to you, it’s just a plot to assassinate your career. When it comes down to it, simply just be as sexy as possible. You have Lady GaGa beat in that department just by taking a poop when you wake up. Personally, I would say experiment with some producers. Of course you want to keep your dance theme going, that’s what got you to the. . .er, dance, but why not cop a quick Kanye remix, or nab some sort of LMFAO/Lil’ Jon club mix? It really couldn’t hurt. Tap both markets. Be that chic who rocks the GaGa crowd as well as the Beyonce crowd. I truly do wish Britney Spears the best. The more she succeeds, the more of her we see. The more of her we see, the more we ALL win.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Digital Lizard Productions: The Gift That Keeps On Giving
this is a candid Facebook conversation between geniuses, enjoy. . . . . . Keith's FaceBook Profile
Keith Evans
EWWWWW Mikey keeps poking me in my Face...book
9 hours ago via Text Message ·UnlikeLike · Comment
You and Jennifer Carroll like this.
Michael Goodpaster It's retaliation pokes of doom. Don't make it out to be anything sexual because that would be wishful thinking. And besides, I look nothing like Kanye West.
9 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans *URGENT NOTICE* Michael GoodPaster was aroused by a young Ilan Mitchell-Smith while watching Weird Science... Go to www.digitallizardproductions.com for more info.
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans once confessed to me that if Kanye West was within kissing distance that he'd fellate him.
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster go to digitallizardproductions.com for more info
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans Did You Know... when Michael Goodpaster "likes" something, that's considered a first date. When he "pokes" something, that's considered common law marriage. For more info go to www.digitallizardproductions.com
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster For those wondering, Keith Evans isn't a Kanye West stunt double... he's his lover's stunt double. (What I'm saying is that Keith is gay for Kayne in the non-biblical kind of way.)
More information on THIS and an explanation why Keith still ...enjoys Dane Cook can be found at: www.digitallizardproductions.comSee More
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans If homosexuality was self mutilation, Michael Goodpaster would be the Demi LoVato of Facebook comments. Go To www.digitallizardproductions.com for leaked nude pics of Max Headrom
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster What does Keith Evan's gag reflex and Kanye West's manhood have in common? Too much.
This and Keith's favorite recipes at www.digitallizardproductions.com
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans I walked into Michael's Goodpaster room one night to find him watching Glee with his pants down and a noose around his neck. This was 5 years ago. For an explanation please tune in to www.digitallizardproductions.com
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster If eye contact is made with Keith Evans and he blinks... he's just day dreaming about swimming in a pool of Kanye's sweat....
Pictures and more at www.digitallizardproductions.com
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans If Michael Goodpaster is being anally raped by a tree in the woods, and no one is around to hear it, does he make a sound? Hear live audio at www.digitallizardproductions.com
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading...
Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans nicknamed his lip ring "Wang"... he loves having it on his lips. For real, check out www.digitallizarproductions.com!
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans Michael Goodpaster told me his favorite ball player was a creepy uncle... I KNOW, right? Go to www.digitallizardproductions.com for the full police report.
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster Everytime he sees someone yawn, Keith Evans gets an erection. I drink a lot of coffee around him. For this and other tips on how to not yawn around Keith Evans please check out www.digitallizardproductions.com
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans is a juggalo. For his new mix entitled "Brojamma Ruckus" hit up www.digitallizardproductions.com
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster It is a proven fact that once you shake Keith Evan's hand it will smell like liver and onions for about three weeks. For ways to remove this smell, please check out www.digitallizardproductions.com
8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans Michael Goodpaster confided in me that if pooping was backwards, he'd enjoy it a lot more. For more shit like this, go to www.digitallizardproductions.com
7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans Michael Goodpaster was requested a urine sample by his doctor. He simply wiped his brow. He had just left R. Kelly's prior to this appointment. Go to www.digitalliazrdproductions.com to download 12 Play
7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster When Keith Evans was a baby his first word was "scrotum". For baby pictures please check out www.digitallizardproductions.com
7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans moonlights as the tambourine player for an all Nickelback cover band called "Refund".... to hear the first video, check out www.digitallizardproductions.com
7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans Explore the benefits of using sperm as tattoo ink w/ Michael Goodpaster. This and other Saturday Night Alternatives at www.digitallizardproductions.com
7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleYou and Michael Goodpaster like this.
Michael Goodpaster Did you know.... Keith Evans named his tooth brush "Kanye's Dick". For this and Keith's favorite episodes of "Tonight Show with Jay Leno" please visit www.digitallizardproductions.com
7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Keith Evans Wanna see Michael Goodpaster on Halstead singing Natasha Beddingfield songs at Chuck & Kevin's Hairyoke Bar? Live stream at www.digitallizardproductions.com
6 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans refuses to play poker. He prefers poke-him. That's right. www.digitallizardproductions.com
4 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...
Monday, November 8, 2010
EMAs, VMAs, STDs, and Fake I.D.s
Pop culture is amazing in the differences of its relevance to what part of the world you live in. It seems to me that in Europe, pop culture (my use of the phrase meaning what’s popular and what’s not) has a bit more variety. I mean, obviously, certain pop culture staples remain the same worldwide (i.e. Lady Gaga and apparently Jersey Shore), yet there are some nice subtle differences. These differences can be noticed most specifically by watching the EMA’s, or for those who don’t speak immigrant, the European Music Awards.
Much like wrestling, foreign crowds seem like way hotter crowds. It’s like they love every fucking thing, especially if it’s American, which speaks volumes about what other countries love about our country and what they hate about us as well.
Ga Ga, as expected, took home the most awards, but didn’t perform, which I found discouraging and quite dumb on MTV’s part (though she WAS on tour somewhere, but since when do satellites no longer work?). Also surprising is either the lack of interest of Kanye West in Europe, OR the lack of MTV’s urge to have him involved in the show. Besides really wealthy American socialite women, Kanye is probably one of the biggest supporters of Europe’s economy, seeing as that is all he boasts about wearing. With that being said, it would’ve been nice to see Senor Yeezy perform is artsy spectacle of Runaway in the grand, stadium rock environment where artsy is everyday normalcy. Apparently, the number one rapper in Europe is Dizzy Rascal, who consequently ghost writes rhymes for Eva Longoria AND Kings Of Leon (which I’m sure my boss, Mikey Migo did not reveal in his Kings Of Leon expose’, lol).
As far as comedy goes, with the exception of the ultra sarcastic and dry British brand, I’ve never really been exposed to the humor of any other European region. The EMA’s have actually been the catapult to some now worldwide comedians careers, in the same manner as the VMA’s hosting gig is for U.S. comics (i.e. Russell Brand and Sasha Baron Cohen). If I were to guesstimate the most UN-funny European country, it would most definitely be France. Apparently, Eva Longoria is of some funny relevance to the Euros, and the only way I could personally explain this is her marriage to Tony Parker, who is French. As hot as she may be, again, I must re-iterate, the French are not that funny.
The performances seem to be always on a grander scale overseas. This is in regards to the EMA’s as well as concerts in general. A few obvious live performances were inevitable. Shakira, who was worldwide before the States even knew who she was, put on her every day, huge performance that was enjoyable, sexy, energetic, and sexy all at once (and yes I said sexy twice, which is ironically the same amount of times I became erect during her performance). Shak always does well live, and seemed to be a perfect choice for performance opener, fresh off the heels of her World Cup extravaganza. Katy Perry was pretty none spectacular and did what she was expected to do, though I find it odd and ironic that her on stage attire was a bit downplayed compared to her Sesame Street gear. You’d think being in Madrid Spain, she would’ve entertained us by showing a bit more. Maybe it truly is more about the music in Europe. Linkin Park, who have seemed to lose their steam of relevancy in the States put on an average performance of a song from their new album that frankly isn’t that good. Sad, after Minutes to Midnight, I thought LP might be expanding musically and crawling out of that cave that was Hip-Rock or whatever they labeled that mash-up style Fred Durst forced down our ear canals.
Madame Tik Tok, aka Lady Ke$ha (by law I am required to spell her name with a dollar sign S) was completely awful live, if you can ignore the audio completely. Significantly better than any performance I accidentally had seen of hers here in America. Ironically enough, I learned something interesting about Ke$ha that makes so much sense in her “origin” story.
Apparently, Ke$ha, whom hails from Nashville (appropriately enough), was the hick daughter of some hick lady on Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie’s The Simple Life back in 2004. I know, it’s all starting to make sense now, isn’t it. How appropriate is it that this hillbilly pop tramp , who, in her defense, was probably writing music before Hilton and her half breed side kick waltzed in her home, is sort of the result of redneck Nashville and the Paris/Nicole experience. After a not too long search for clips from that episode on YouTube, I was pleasantly amused. The episode itself centers on Hilton, Richie and Ke$h-Dawg auditioning men for her single non-milf mother to date. The winner ends up being this black guy, whose voice apparently soothes Paris’ soul. If you watch the video though, please please please pay attention to the end when said Mandingo is presented to the mother. Ke$ha’s little brother, who I pray will debut as the hillbilly Justin Beiber someday, has this all too awkward look of confusion on his face. Let’s just say that when you’re around 8 or 9 yrs old, and your mom brings home man, and you’re white and you live in Nashville, the trauma of that man being black might be a bit much to handle at first. Enjoy. . . .
Here’s a bit of bonus bullshit from my mind. I’ve noticed something about our dear little Drizzy Drake. If we are going with the theory of Jay-Z being the equivalent of Jordan, then I would have to say Drake is the new and more suitable Kobe Bryant. Hear me out. Some might disagree with the Jay-Z/Jordan comparison. Whether you disagree or not, resume’ wise, as well as skill wise, he is. Lyrically, no one can fuck with Jay-Z, and though Hov might be, at the very least, entering his “Wizards” stage of his career, his #45 stint is still far more enjoyable than Jordan’s. Drake, on the other hand, just as Kobe is to Mike, is starting to become a Xerox copy of Jay.
I first noticed this while watching Drake’s VMA performance. His conversational flow (the gum chewing equal to Jay-Z’s rap style) is right there. His choices of production and collaboraters reminds me of the Air Jordan-esque walk of Mr. S-Dot. And though Jay-Z has massively improved in the live performance department from his early dead pan beginnings, that whole “I come off better on audio medium than I do in front of your face” thing is truly his signature jumper. Kobe shoots exactly like Michael. Drake shoots exactly like Hova. I’m not saying this to say it’s this terrible thing. As much as I despise Kobe Bryant for his identity theft, in his defense, I was never an MJ fan either (REGGIE MILLER till the day I die MOFO!!!). I do however respect and comprehend that no matter how much I disliked Mike (though I did adore his Hall of Fame approach) he was/is the best to ever play a professional basketball game. With that being said, I guess Kobe could imitate worse (God forbid he was a carbon copy of Charles Barkely). In the same respect, I suppose it’s best Drake imitate Jay-Z rather than Ja-Rule or say M.C. Hammer (CHEAP SHOT ALERT!!!!!). Hey, whatever gets you through the day with a smile on your face, right? Just an observation I decided to display. Feel free to leave comments and express your displeasure for my views. Till next time . . . eat shit.
Much like wrestling, foreign crowds seem like way hotter crowds. It’s like they love every fucking thing, especially if it’s American, which speaks volumes about what other countries love about our country and what they hate about us as well.
Ga Ga, as expected, took home the most awards, but didn’t perform, which I found discouraging and quite dumb on MTV’s part (though she WAS on tour somewhere, but since when do satellites no longer work?). Also surprising is either the lack of interest of Kanye West in Europe, OR the lack of MTV’s urge to have him involved in the show. Besides really wealthy American socialite women, Kanye is probably one of the biggest supporters of Europe’s economy, seeing as that is all he boasts about wearing. With that being said, it would’ve been nice to see Senor Yeezy perform is artsy spectacle of Runaway in the grand, stadium rock environment where artsy is everyday normalcy. Apparently, the number one rapper in Europe is Dizzy Rascal, who consequently ghost writes rhymes for Eva Longoria AND Kings Of Leon (which I’m sure my boss, Mikey Migo did not reveal in his Kings Of Leon expose’, lol).
As far as comedy goes, with the exception of the ultra sarcastic and dry British brand, I’ve never really been exposed to the humor of any other European region. The EMA’s have actually been the catapult to some now worldwide comedians careers, in the same manner as the VMA’s hosting gig is for U.S. comics (i.e. Russell Brand and Sasha Baron Cohen). If I were to guesstimate the most UN-funny European country, it would most definitely be France. Apparently, Eva Longoria is of some funny relevance to the Euros, and the only way I could personally explain this is her marriage to Tony Parker, who is French. As hot as she may be, again, I must re-iterate, the French are not that funny.
The performances seem to be always on a grander scale overseas. This is in regards to the EMA’s as well as concerts in general. A few obvious live performances were inevitable. Shakira, who was worldwide before the States even knew who she was, put on her every day, huge performance that was enjoyable, sexy, energetic, and sexy all at once (and yes I said sexy twice, which is ironically the same amount of times I became erect during her performance). Shak always does well live, and seemed to be a perfect choice for performance opener, fresh off the heels of her World Cup extravaganza. Katy Perry was pretty none spectacular and did what she was expected to do, though I find it odd and ironic that her on stage attire was a bit downplayed compared to her Sesame Street gear. You’d think being in Madrid Spain, she would’ve entertained us by showing a bit more. Maybe it truly is more about the music in Europe. Linkin Park, who have seemed to lose their steam of relevancy in the States put on an average performance of a song from their new album that frankly isn’t that good. Sad, after Minutes to Midnight, I thought LP might be expanding musically and crawling out of that cave that was Hip-Rock or whatever they labeled that mash-up style Fred Durst forced down our ear canals.
Madame Tik Tok, aka Lady Ke$ha (by law I am required to spell her name with a dollar sign S) was completely awful live, if you can ignore the audio completely. Significantly better than any performance I accidentally had seen of hers here in America. Ironically enough, I learned something interesting about Ke$ha that makes so much sense in her “origin” story.
Apparently, Ke$ha, whom hails from Nashville (appropriately enough), was the hick daughter of some hick lady on Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie’s The Simple Life back in 2004. I know, it’s all starting to make sense now, isn’t it. How appropriate is it that this hillbilly pop tramp , who, in her defense, was probably writing music before Hilton and her half breed side kick waltzed in her home, is sort of the result of redneck Nashville and the Paris/Nicole experience. After a not too long search for clips from that episode on YouTube, I was pleasantly amused. The episode itself centers on Hilton, Richie and Ke$h-Dawg auditioning men for her single non-milf mother to date. The winner ends up being this black guy, whose voice apparently soothes Paris’ soul. If you watch the video though, please please please pay attention to the end when said Mandingo is presented to the mother. Ke$ha’s little brother, who I pray will debut as the hillbilly Justin Beiber someday, has this all too awkward look of confusion on his face. Let’s just say that when you’re around 8 or 9 yrs old, and your mom brings home man, and you’re white and you live in Nashville, the trauma of that man being black might be a bit much to handle at first. Enjoy. . . .
Here’s a bit of bonus bullshit from my mind. I’ve noticed something about our dear little Drizzy Drake. If we are going with the theory of Jay-Z being the equivalent of Jordan, then I would have to say Drake is the new and more suitable Kobe Bryant. Hear me out. Some might disagree with the Jay-Z/Jordan comparison. Whether you disagree or not, resume’ wise, as well as skill wise, he is. Lyrically, no one can fuck with Jay-Z, and though Hov might be, at the very least, entering his “Wizards” stage of his career, his #45 stint is still far more enjoyable than Jordan’s. Drake, on the other hand, just as Kobe is to Mike, is starting to become a Xerox copy of Jay.
I first noticed this while watching Drake’s VMA performance. His conversational flow (the gum chewing equal to Jay-Z’s rap style) is right there. His choices of production and collaboraters reminds me of the Air Jordan-esque walk of Mr. S-Dot. And though Jay-Z has massively improved in the live performance department from his early dead pan beginnings, that whole “I come off better on audio medium than I do in front of your face” thing is truly his signature jumper. Kobe shoots exactly like Michael. Drake shoots exactly like Hova. I’m not saying this to say it’s this terrible thing. As much as I despise Kobe Bryant for his identity theft, in his defense, I was never an MJ fan either (REGGIE MILLER till the day I die MOFO!!!). I do however respect and comprehend that no matter how much I disliked Mike (though I did adore his Hall of Fame approach) he was/is the best to ever play a professional basketball game. With that being said, I guess Kobe could imitate worse (God forbid he was a carbon copy of Charles Barkely). In the same respect, I suppose it’s best Drake imitate Jay-Z rather than Ja-Rule or say M.C. Hammer (CHEAP SHOT ALERT!!!!!). Hey, whatever gets you through the day with a smile on your face, right? Just an observation I decided to display. Feel free to leave comments and express your displeasure for my views. Till next time . . . eat shit.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Where Did October Go
It is officially November. . .
That's just great.
Time for the holiday chaos to begin rearing its hideous head. People driving like maniacs because they aren't used to this winter concept called snow. The hardcore shoppers losing all civilized conduct due to their need to access any and everything tangible and materialistic. The masses preparing to put on their fakest displays of courtesy and friendliness because they've been raised to believe that the holidays is a time for you to abandon any true emotions you have for the sake of being cordial, albeit insincere. I feel like Jesus is somewhere thinking; "Great. Another birthday ruined".
On a positive note, its boot season for women. Anyone who knows me knows I have a bit of a thing for women walking around the city in fashionable boots. I wouldn't call it a fetish, but there's something about heeled boots that increases the hotness of the women who wear them (this totally edging out the anticipation for female summer wear, in my opinion). Also, snow. I love snow.
Yep, it's officially November, but just as the questioned was posed to me by a friend of mine on facebook; "Where did October go?”
Well, seeing as October IS my favorite month, (simply because I was born in it), I'd like to take you down a bit of what I deem as short term memory lane. Let us reminisce the random happenings of the "Big O" and see just how silly we look. Perhaps this will prepare some of you for the ridiculous events that may wrap up 2010.
Now, take in consideration, I literally missed the entire first half of October, due to my legal "coma" and all. A lot of this was a matter of playing "catch up" once I was released. These events also are not ranked in any particular order, which is appropriate for someone like me who prefers disorder (to a certain extent).
Gay Bullies
So apparently cyber bullies are mainstream, AGAIN. Now, don't get me wrong, for I am not necessarily anti-bullying. I view bullying as a part of American culture. I mean, if countries were high school students, are we not the Biff Tanner of the world? Of course we are. I was bullied in school, as I also did my share of bullying. Some of the best musicians are a result of being a victim of school day tormenting. Obviously there's a line between run of the mill bullying and flat out hate crimes (though sometimes I feel the line is sometimes thinner or broader than it should be, depending on the person bitching about it). Tis not the simple act of bullying I am against, but the act of "cyber" bullying. Any random ass clown (be it the cliché insecure bully or some wimp poser) can "bully" someone from the internet. It really takes an eighth of a person to act tough via World Wide Web. As the great entertainer Vince Vaughn might put it; "Cyber bullying is gay". What could be gayer than cyber bullying? Uhm, I got it, the weak minded suckers who are victimized by it. I mean seriously? With all due respect to the friends and family of people like Phoebe Prince, I don't think committing suicide was even close to necessary as far as solutions go. Who the eff cares what somebody says about you on the internet? It's the damned internet. And as dumb and foolish as it may be for someone to spread rumors (or truths), embarrass others by name calling, or even suggest that your target "kill themselves" on the web, how dumb or foolish is the person that actually cries about it, or, God forbid, accepts the suggestion and take their own life. Obviously that "target" has mental handicaps in the first place, and guess what? That's why people pick on you! It's all so gay. And speaking of the word gay, get over it. Gay has many definitions at this point. If I were to cry every time I heard some wannabe gang banging suburban Caucasian or one of those "I can play both sides of the black/white issue" Hispanic using the word "nigga", I just might bully myself into a proper suicide. How about the age old notion of gay meaning happy. So I guess all the happy people should've started protesting against homosexuals when THEY started using the term for themselves. Gay can refer to a homosexual, or to be happy. It can also mean acting unnecessarily dumb about things that don't require so much attention. Hell, as of late, I've used it in the sense of having a huge crush on somebody or something, i.e.; "I'm so gay for Mexican food". Nobody owns words; with the exception of Lil Wayne and Gene Simmons (you can figure that reference out yourself). Connotation is key. Now that that's over, can we all stop acting so gay about everything? I'm so GLAAD we had this talk.
. . . speaking of gay. . . .
The "alleged" Glee Controversy
. . . speaking of things we get over. . .
The West Is Yet To come
What a difference 365 days make. One full year ago, it seemed like over half of the country wanted to storm toward Kanye West's home with pitch forks, bats and torches. How could he ruin the moment of a pure little innocent American sweetheart like Taylor Swift, fully for the benefit of explaining something to the world that the world already knew. Sure, we were all thinking it. We all knew that Beyonce's Single Ladies was a far better and more successful video than whatever song Swift snatched the award with. It was always my argument that Kanye's only problem (besides and excess amount of Hennessy) was that he was all ready to complain about his "little sister" not winning during the first fucking award the VMAs presented. Comes to find out she would take home many more than Swift, including Video of the Year (2009). Fast forward to now. Taylor and Yeezy both return to the scene of the crime. Like a rapist and his victim, the air still holds a stench of brown urban liquor and Wal-Mart chap stick. Swift and West both are slated to perform. Swift's up first, with an unnecessary video intro of "what happened last year". I say unnecessary because I mean, come on. . . Everybody has seen that footage enough times to act it out word for word, step for step, by memory. People with Alzheimer's remember last year's VMAs. It is like showing us a video clip of Antoine Dobson's homosexual threats towards the infamous Lincoln Park "Bed Intruder". In other words, we got it. Having that video intro to such a drab song was actually very anti-climatic. It made you feel like T-Sweezy would come out dressed liked Dobson and rip some sinister rhyme about how Ye's a punk bitch gay fish with homo tendencies. Not the case. She sings her boring, suicide induced tune, with no shoes mind you. Great. Kanye's turn, and with a simple recipe of one MPC 2000XL, Caucasian ballerinas, and a song that is part apologetic/part "I is who I is" entitled Runaway (which I interpret as subliminal advice to Taylor Swift herself). Kanye immediately wins the hearts of his detractors while a good portion of people who were Swift fans last year have either moved on, switch sides, or killed themselves from being cyber bullied over the summer. Kanye will probably finish this year out in traditional successful Kanye form. Meanwhile I find a certain rumor about Swift to be ironic. One can only wish that a fling between Taylor and John Mayer (aka white Kanye) actually DID happen. It would only prove how much of a bitch karma really is.
Here's another example of getting over it. Has anybody noticed how the majority of the hate for Michael Vick kind of ceased once he started back running for 100 yards for the Eagles? Funny how steadfast these "complainers" are with their complaints until they grow weary of complaining about them.
Halloween 2010
I was sort of excited for Halloween this year, seeing as I missed my birthday and all. With that said, Halloween sort of fell apart, or I'd rather say, ran out of steam once it finally arrived. I ended up being Kanye for the second year in a row (which in hindsight wasn't that bad, people still love it, and he's generally relevant during this season every year). Obviously, I did not walk around with a bottle of Hennessy and a mouth full of interruptions. This year, I took inspiration from the Runaway film, except I opted to actually wear socks with my black slacks. I even accessorized with a milk carton that donned a missing persons like decal of Selita Ebanks' phoenix. All in all, it was a decent evening.
. . .and THAT was my October in a nutshell. . .
That's just great.
Time for the holiday chaos to begin rearing its hideous head. People driving like maniacs because they aren't used to this winter concept called snow. The hardcore shoppers losing all civilized conduct due to their need to access any and everything tangible and materialistic. The masses preparing to put on their fakest displays of courtesy and friendliness because they've been raised to believe that the holidays is a time for you to abandon any true emotions you have for the sake of being cordial, albeit insincere. I feel like Jesus is somewhere thinking; "Great. Another birthday ruined".
On a positive note, its boot season for women. Anyone who knows me knows I have a bit of a thing for women walking around the city in fashionable boots. I wouldn't call it a fetish, but there's something about heeled boots that increases the hotness of the women who wear them (this totally edging out the anticipation for female summer wear, in my opinion). Also, snow. I love snow.
Yep, it's officially November, but just as the questioned was posed to me by a friend of mine on facebook; "Where did October go?”
Well, seeing as October IS my favorite month, (simply because I was born in it), I'd like to take you down a bit of what I deem as short term memory lane. Let us reminisce the random happenings of the "Big O" and see just how silly we look. Perhaps this will prepare some of you for the ridiculous events that may wrap up 2010.
Now, take in consideration, I literally missed the entire first half of October, due to my legal "coma" and all. A lot of this was a matter of playing "catch up" once I was released. These events also are not ranked in any particular order, which is appropriate for someone like me who prefers disorder (to a certain extent).
Gay Bullies
So apparently cyber bullies are mainstream, AGAIN. Now, don't get me wrong, for I am not necessarily anti-bullying. I view bullying as a part of American culture. I mean, if countries were high school students, are we not the Biff Tanner of the world? Of course we are. I was bullied in school, as I also did my share of bullying. Some of the best musicians are a result of being a victim of school day tormenting. Obviously there's a line between run of the mill bullying and flat out hate crimes (though sometimes I feel the line is sometimes thinner or broader than it should be, depending on the person bitching about it). Tis not the simple act of bullying I am against, but the act of "cyber" bullying. Any random ass clown (be it the cliché insecure bully or some wimp poser) can "bully" someone from the internet. It really takes an eighth of a person to act tough via World Wide Web. As the great entertainer Vince Vaughn might put it; "Cyber bullying is gay". What could be gayer than cyber bullying? Uhm, I got it, the weak minded suckers who are victimized by it. I mean seriously? With all due respect to the friends and family of people like Phoebe Prince, I don't think committing suicide was even close to necessary as far as solutions go. Who the eff cares what somebody says about you on the internet? It's the damned internet. And as dumb and foolish as it may be for someone to spread rumors (or truths), embarrass others by name calling, or even suggest that your target "kill themselves" on the web, how dumb or foolish is the person that actually cries about it, or, God forbid, accepts the suggestion and take their own life. Obviously that "target" has mental handicaps in the first place, and guess what? That's why people pick on you! It's all so gay. And speaking of the word gay, get over it. Gay has many definitions at this point. If I were to cry every time I heard some wannabe gang banging suburban Caucasian or one of those "I can play both sides of the black/white issue" Hispanic using the word "nigga", I just might bully myself into a proper suicide. How about the age old notion of gay meaning happy. So I guess all the happy people should've started protesting against homosexuals when THEY started using the term for themselves. Gay can refer to a homosexual, or to be happy. It can also mean acting unnecessarily dumb about things that don't require so much attention. Hell, as of late, I've used it in the sense of having a huge crush on somebody or something, i.e.; "I'm so gay for Mexican food". Nobody owns words; with the exception of Lil Wayne and Gene Simmons (you can figure that reference out yourself). Connotation is key. Now that that's over, can we all stop acting so gay about everything? I'm so GLAAD we had this talk.
. . . speaking of gay. . . .
The "alleged" Glee Controversy
Glee, probably the gayest show on television, and I don't mean that in a negative way because I did faithfully watch the entire first season without fail. I enjoyed it. From what I hear, the second season is way more "what musical catalog should we rob" focused and less well written, but hey, everybody sells out eventually. Glee is definitely a pop culture staple, and with that comes the decision to push the envelope every once in awhile. So 3 of Glee's main characters; Lea Michele (whom I particularly think is incredibly hot), Cory Montieth, and Diana Agron appear on the cover of GQ. Scantily clad isn't the term I'm looking to use. Neither is naked. However, just as scheduled, lots of people are bitching about the photo spread. I've read that some people are actually claiming it to be borderline pedophilia, yet the actor/actresses true ages are a "none issue". Since when is age a non issue when in reference to pedophilia? That's like saying being gay or lesbian has nothing to do with same sex attraction. Makes no sense. Now, I'm sure you realize this is simply a rerun. Remember when Britney Spears was the "Glee" of the early 2000's? Remember when she posed for the cover of Rolling Stone magazine? There's something extremely monumental about what happened after that "controversy". What happened was, we got over it. Same procedure here. It's not that serious. These chics on the show, be you a fan or not, are hot. Hot people get put on the cover of magazines. Millions of people buy these magazines because hot people are on them. The more provocative the dress, the more magazines sold. It's a simple equation that will not cease based on a bunch of cry baby protesters complaining for the sake of complaining. That's the thing about complaining, eventually, you get over it, so why even waste valuable time, which could be used improving yourself, by wasting it on being upset about something that literally doesn't matter? Wait, isn't that what blogging's about?
. . . speaking of things we get over. . .
The West Is Yet To come
What a difference 365 days make. One full year ago, it seemed like over half of the country wanted to storm toward Kanye West's home with pitch forks, bats and torches. How could he ruin the moment of a pure little innocent American sweetheart like Taylor Swift, fully for the benefit of explaining something to the world that the world already knew. Sure, we were all thinking it. We all knew that Beyonce's Single Ladies was a far better and more successful video than whatever song Swift snatched the award with. It was always my argument that Kanye's only problem (besides and excess amount of Hennessy) was that he was all ready to complain about his "little sister" not winning during the first fucking award the VMAs presented. Comes to find out she would take home many more than Swift, including Video of the Year (2009). Fast forward to now. Taylor and Yeezy both return to the scene of the crime. Like a rapist and his victim, the air still holds a stench of brown urban liquor and Wal-Mart chap stick. Swift and West both are slated to perform. Swift's up first, with an unnecessary video intro of "what happened last year". I say unnecessary because I mean, come on. . . Everybody has seen that footage enough times to act it out word for word, step for step, by memory. People with Alzheimer's remember last year's VMAs. It is like showing us a video clip of Antoine Dobson's homosexual threats towards the infamous Lincoln Park "Bed Intruder". In other words, we got it. Having that video intro to such a drab song was actually very anti-climatic. It made you feel like T-Sweezy would come out dressed liked Dobson and rip some sinister rhyme about how Ye's a punk bitch gay fish with homo tendencies. Not the case. She sings her boring, suicide induced tune, with no shoes mind you. Great. Kanye's turn, and with a simple recipe of one MPC 2000XL, Caucasian ballerinas, and a song that is part apologetic/part "I is who I is" entitled Runaway (which I interpret as subliminal advice to Taylor Swift herself). Kanye immediately wins the hearts of his detractors while a good portion of people who were Swift fans last year have either moved on, switch sides, or killed themselves from being cyber bullied over the summer. Kanye will probably finish this year out in traditional successful Kanye form. Meanwhile I find a certain rumor about Swift to be ironic. One can only wish that a fling between Taylor and John Mayer (aka white Kanye) actually DID happen. It would only prove how much of a bitch karma really is.
Here's another example of getting over it. Has anybody noticed how the majority of the hate for Michael Vick kind of ceased once he started back running for 100 yards for the Eagles? Funny how steadfast these "complainers" are with their complaints until they grow weary of complaining about them.
Halloween 2010
. . .and THAT was my October in a nutshell. . .
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Chicken Suit For The Soul
Chicken Suit For The Soul
So, how do I go about this?
First off, let me just say, it’s really nice to be typing my blog on a computer instead of writing them from behind the confines of jail. With that being said, I’m sort of leery of my content, post incarceration. It seems to me that focus is so much easier when all your freedom is stripped from you. Freedom provides access to distraction, and right now, distraction is my number one enemy. But alas, I keep moving forward. I expect all who follow my blogs to continue to travel this path with me. The only thing I ask is that you show me a little fucking respect and refrain from bullshitting me. I want your input (said the robotic slut to her human male companion). If you feel I start slack in my writings, comment about it. If you feel in total disagreement to the things I say, comment about it. If you agree with all of my rantings and simply want to shower me with verbal praise, well dag nabbit, comment about it.
The Evans From The Heavens blog, and even more so, the Digital Lizard Productions website has been experiencing some major effing growth. Our daily views have been growing day by day. Our web series video views have been flourishing as well. The one thing I personally feel is lacking is the comments. Please people, just do me a favor. This can be your version of giving me a “welcome Home” or “Jail Graduation” gift. Comment, comment, comment. Got nothing to say? Just say hi. We not only want to entertain you and please you, but we also want your feedback, it pleases us. Mutual pleasure is the best kind ya know.
“I’m a fly Malcolm X, by any jeans necessary” – Kanye West
Speaking of pleasure, upon my release from the clinker, I was bombarded with emails, facebook messages, and the like, informing of Kanye West’s MTV VMA performance of his new song Runaway. In their own individual way, every message was the same; “Keith, that song Runaway is your theme song”. After finally illegally downloading said song (and crying tears of personal defeat and triumph) I was inclined to agree. I then began to learn of Kanye West’s re-emergence into our lives. He kind of went silent after his Taylor-slaying (an emotionally violent act I fully support), and personally, the only thing I had heard from him was his leak single Power which debuted shortly before I went into my “coma”.
Again, how do I go about this?
Be you a Yeezy fan or not, his musical genius is slightly undeniable. It was just common sense to assume that he would return shortly with yet another soundscape of phenomenal proportions. What many may not have seen coming was Mr. West’s directorial debut. I was pleasantly appalled to discover that on October 23rd, 2010, Kanye would be premiering not a video for Runaway, but a short film (simultaneously on MTV, MTV2, and some really shitty channel called BET). Oh how Michael Jackson of Kanye to pull off something of this unimportance.
But that’s thing I think I love and hate about Kanye at the same time. He’s not only an amazing producer and an extremely under-rated lyricist. He’s managed to successfully allow his celebrity to magnify who he is, kind of like Spider-Man’s symbiotic black costume (whoa, that was a pun I did not intend to intend, but pretty fucking funny). Kanye West IS the ambassador of unnecessary excess, which in turn, makes him the ambassador of this country. He’s as American as Hawaiian black Presidents and I Phone apps that urinate for you. Well, the ambassador’s back, in total full effect. The Kanye twitter era is a perfect example;
“Is it super lonely and miserable to buy yourself a Cartier love bracelet... well I guess I do love myself lol!!!” – Kanye West via Twitter
I mean this motherfucker bought himself a Cartier love bracelet, purely on the general principle that he loves himself. I couldn’t have done it worse myself. . . . . and believe me, I’ve tried. Let’s not even mention the ridiculous situation of his alleged banned album cover. I mean let’s be honest, the picture (apparently some piece of art Kanye liked and probably bought for way more than it was worth) is fugly anyways, yet this, somehow, is an issue that is suppose to add to the “I Love/Hate Kanye” movement. And funny thing is, it’s working.
So, I’m sitting in front of the television, 7pm central standard time, completely expecting a “film” that exhibits all the eclectic, pricey sagaciousness that is Mr. West. First scene, the Louis Vitton Don is running frantically down a wooded back road. Open white button down, black slacks, and probably a pair of $12,000 shoes that aren’t fit for running. Cut to him driving in a Lambo down same road, minutes before an apparent comet (or meteor) crashes into his ride, leaving behind Selita Ebanks dressed like a hot chicken as road kill. Let the gratuitous esoteric visual journey begin.
The rest is filled with random cuts of slo-mo explosions and pseudo artistic gibberish, not to mention a lot of hilarious moments in which the scene cuts to Kanye’s face for no apparent reason. To be honest, Kanye’s acting is pretty downright sad (as it probably should be, seeing as though he’s such a character already, becoming an open shell is probably an unattainable concept). His best non rapping moment is when he audibly copulates the chicken lady with his MPC2000 XL. On the other hand however, Selita Ebanks (Victoria Secret’s model and apparently ex-fiancée’ of Nick Cannon) actually does an amazing job in the role of the chicken lady. She captured the physical animation of her non earthly chicken character, all the way down to her gorgeous nervous ticks. I’m not sure what other roles she’s ever played (and don’t really care enough to go to IMDB to investigate), but purely based on what I saw of her in this short film (and believe me, we’re treated to seeing a decent portion of her) I would love to see her tackle a good script. Now I know what you’re going to say; “Keith, she’s suppose to be a phoenix”. That’s all fine and dandy, but my name’s Keith Evans, I’m a 33 year old African-American male and I definitely know a hot piece of chicken when I see it.
Besides the fact that I fully expected for Mr. West to completely over indulge his “artistic” vision with a lot of incomprehensible, inventive, and intense imagery, I was atleast looking for the self dubbed “short film” Runaway to actually depict some sort of illustration of the actual song Runaway. The reason I so love the song is because of it honest testimony from an asshole’s point of view. Now, yes, I do get that any self respecting asshole with wealth WOULD probably have a weekend love affair with a bird lady every now and again. I was just hoping for something more along the lines of film narrating music, or vice versa. Sometimes expecting Kanye to do one thing is a sure fire way to receive something completely contradictory.
Thanks to this film, there’s a few things I learned about Kanye that I didn’t know, but was not at all surprised to discover;
1. When Kanye hosts a dinner party, you are required to wear all white, the same color as his slaves that will serve you. Classic.
2. Much like my daughter, Kanye West is not a huge fan of socks. Now, I understand that there’s an entire fashion world out there that embraces the idea of not wearing dress socks with expensive Italian footwear, however, in the world I live in, it’s sweaty and gross.
3. If you are a bird, and you plan on dating Kanye West, do not be shocked if on your first date, he takes to a dinner and serves your mother as the main entrée. In his mind, that’s just your fault for being a bird.
4. The only news Kanye watches is foreign news.
5. Kanye owns 3 pets (besides his chicken head girlfriend) which are a rabbit, a fawn, and some kind of long tailed sheep hybrid created by the oil spill.
6. Kanye managed to put on a better Celebration of Life parade for Michael Jackson than the Staples Center or the city of Gary Indiana ever could. And his was just for the enjoyment of himself and his chicken lady.
All in all, it was artsy enough, weird enough, and conceited enough to be talked about until his
album is released. If the music that served as this “film’s” score was any indication of what the album will sound like, I’m in. If, at the very least, this short film inspires women to be the “sexy Chicken Lady” for Halloween, I’m definitely in.
So, how do I go about this?
First off, let me just say, it’s really nice to be typing my blog on a computer instead of writing them from behind the confines of jail. With that being said, I’m sort of leery of my content, post incarceration. It seems to me that focus is so much easier when all your freedom is stripped from you. Freedom provides access to distraction, and right now, distraction is my number one enemy. But alas, I keep moving forward. I expect all who follow my blogs to continue to travel this path with me. The only thing I ask is that you show me a little fucking respect and refrain from bullshitting me. I want your input (said the robotic slut to her human male companion). If you feel I start slack in my writings, comment about it. If you feel in total disagreement to the things I say, comment about it. If you agree with all of my rantings and simply want to shower me with verbal praise, well dag nabbit, comment about it.
The Evans From The Heavens blog, and even more so, the Digital Lizard Productions website has been experiencing some major effing growth. Our daily views have been growing day by day. Our web series video views have been flourishing as well. The one thing I personally feel is lacking is the comments. Please people, just do me a favor. This can be your version of giving me a “welcome Home” or “Jail Graduation” gift. Comment, comment, comment. Got nothing to say? Just say hi. We not only want to entertain you and please you, but we also want your feedback, it pleases us. Mutual pleasure is the best kind ya know.
“I’m a fly Malcolm X, by any jeans necessary” – Kanye West
Speaking of pleasure, upon my release from the clinker, I was bombarded with emails, facebook messages, and the like, informing of Kanye West’s MTV VMA performance of his new song Runaway. In their own individual way, every message was the same; “Keith, that song Runaway is your theme song”. After finally illegally downloading said song (and crying tears of personal defeat and triumph) I was inclined to agree. I then began to learn of Kanye West’s re-emergence into our lives. He kind of went silent after his Taylor-slaying (an emotionally violent act I fully support), and personally, the only thing I had heard from him was his leak single Power which debuted shortly before I went into my “coma”.
Again, how do I go about this?
Be you a Yeezy fan or not, his musical genius is slightly undeniable. It was just common sense to assume that he would return shortly with yet another soundscape of phenomenal proportions. What many may not have seen coming was Mr. West’s directorial debut. I was pleasantly appalled to discover that on October 23rd, 2010, Kanye would be premiering not a video for Runaway, but a short film (simultaneously on MTV, MTV2, and some really shitty channel called BET). Oh how Michael Jackson of Kanye to pull off something of this unimportance.
But that’s thing I think I love and hate about Kanye at the same time. He’s not only an amazing producer and an extremely under-rated lyricist. He’s managed to successfully allow his celebrity to magnify who he is, kind of like Spider-Man’s symbiotic black costume (whoa, that was a pun I did not intend to intend, but pretty fucking funny). Kanye West IS the ambassador of unnecessary excess, which in turn, makes him the ambassador of this country. He’s as American as Hawaiian black Presidents and I Phone apps that urinate for you. Well, the ambassador’s back, in total full effect. The Kanye twitter era is a perfect example;
“Is it super lonely and miserable to buy yourself a Cartier love bracelet... well I guess I do love myself lol!!!” – Kanye West via Twitter
I mean this motherfucker bought himself a Cartier love bracelet, purely on the general principle that he loves himself. I couldn’t have done it worse myself. . . . . and believe me, I’ve tried. Let’s not even mention the ridiculous situation of his alleged banned album cover. I mean let’s be honest, the picture (apparently some piece of art Kanye liked and probably bought for way more than it was worth) is fugly anyways, yet this, somehow, is an issue that is suppose to add to the “I Love/Hate Kanye” movement. And funny thing is, it’s working.
So, I’m sitting in front of the television, 7pm central standard time, completely expecting a “film” that exhibits all the eclectic, pricey sagaciousness that is Mr. West. First scene, the Louis Vitton Don is running frantically down a wooded back road. Open white button down, black slacks, and probably a pair of $12,000 shoes that aren’t fit for running. Cut to him driving in a Lambo down same road, minutes before an apparent comet (or meteor) crashes into his ride, leaving behind Selita Ebanks dressed like a hot chicken as road kill. Let the gratuitous esoteric visual journey begin.
The rest is filled with random cuts of slo-mo explosions and pseudo artistic gibberish, not to mention a lot of hilarious moments in which the scene cuts to Kanye’s face for no apparent reason. To be honest, Kanye’s acting is pretty downright sad (as it probably should be, seeing as though he’s such a character already, becoming an open shell is probably an unattainable concept). His best non rapping moment is when he audibly copulates the chicken lady with his MPC2000 XL. On the other hand however, Selita Ebanks (Victoria Secret’s model and apparently ex-fiancée’ of Nick Cannon) actually does an amazing job in the role of the chicken lady. She captured the physical animation of her non earthly chicken character, all the way down to her gorgeous nervous ticks. I’m not sure what other roles she’s ever played (and don’t really care enough to go to IMDB to investigate), but purely based on what I saw of her in this short film (and believe me, we’re treated to seeing a decent portion of her) I would love to see her tackle a good script. Now I know what you’re going to say; “Keith, she’s suppose to be a phoenix”. That’s all fine and dandy, but my name’s Keith Evans, I’m a 33 year old African-American male and I definitely know a hot piece of chicken when I see it.
Thanks to this film, there’s a few things I learned about Kanye that I didn’t know, but was not at all surprised to discover;
1. When Kanye hosts a dinner party, you are required to wear all white, the same color as his slaves that will serve you. Classic.
2. Much like my daughter, Kanye West is not a huge fan of socks. Now, I understand that there’s an entire fashion world out there that embraces the idea of not wearing dress socks with expensive Italian footwear, however, in the world I live in, it’s sweaty and gross.
3. If you are a bird, and you plan on dating Kanye West, do not be shocked if on your first date, he takes to a dinner and serves your mother as the main entrée. In his mind, that’s just your fault for being a bird.
4. The only news Kanye watches is foreign news.
5. Kanye owns 3 pets (besides his chicken head girlfriend) which are a rabbit, a fawn, and some kind of long tailed sheep hybrid created by the oil spill.
6. Kanye managed to put on a better Celebration of Life parade for Michael Jackson than the Staples Center or the city of Gary Indiana ever could. And his was just for the enjoyment of himself and his chicken lady.
All in all, it was artsy enough, weird enough, and conceited enough to be talked about until his
album is released. If the music that served as this “film’s” score was any indication of what the album will sound like, I’m in. If, at the very least, this short film inspires women to be the “sexy Chicken Lady” for Halloween, I’m definitely in.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
