A Big Fucking Deal. . . .

"Don't get sick, and if you do get sick, die quickly." Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.), summing up the Republican health care plan

That qoute pretty much sums up my own personal health care plan since I was 16. Everybody thought i was stupid and careless. 16 years later, I'm still here.

So, ok, this whole healthcare reform is a big whup with everybody, I, personally, don't even see why. I often feel like everything rich white christians complain about is blown out of proportion. They just sort of have a history of doing that. Not to say that poor black atheist don't, or even middle class chinese muslims. Whoever/whatever you are, if you have a complaint, and enough resources, chances are, we'd never hear the end of it. Hell, I'm the same way, I guess, but this issue has been personally blown out of proportion in my opinion. I mean, it's not like it's the War or anything right?

Here's my standpoint, and this is all based on the fact that I don't even feel the need to have every little fucking detailed fact about the matter.
The main arguemnt I hear against the whole healthcare issue is about how un-constitutional it is. To that I say, who gives a shit. We've been doing un-constitutional shit for years. Most of Republicans previous beefs and gripes have been about shit they didn't want us to do, but we're, by law, allowed to do based on the constitution. So my question would be, what does it matter if this (which seems to be a noble cause)is un-constitutional or not? The whole "changing things around so the Gov't can spy on us" act was un-constitutional, yet the repubs kept assuring us it was for our own good and saftey. Ok, but healthcare isn't?

Another issue I've heard is about how it's unfair to force us to have health insurance. Apparently, this means that once it's super official, it will be "illegal" to NOT have insurance, and apparently, that's bad. Uhm, I didn't hear all this crying when we were forced to have car insurance. Where were all the protesters when they forced us to where seat belts? It's the same premise, but "apparently" those slipped through the cracks. Isn't it blatantly hypocritical to go ape shit over the president making something a requirement when you didn't even give a shit about other things being made a requirement under the same rhyme and reason? I mean, by all technicalities, anytime somebody makes ANY new rule or law at all, doesn't it always infringe on your freedom to not do it?

It's hilarious to me how when the wealthy, good christian population get pissed, they make the riots and other hoopla of the Civil Rights movement look like bad kids at a daycare. Bricks through windows? Really? Let's take it old school and bring back racism (well, it really never left, but you know what I mean.). Shame on the democrats actually, for not having the notion to break out the water hoses and dogs. I mean, when a large group of hostile people get together, those ARE the necessary tools right? Or is it different when you have $2,000 suits or expensive botox treatments rather than hippie clothes or non white skin?

I also find it hilarious that people are now reverting back to the whole Obama is Hitler thing. If I'm not mistaken, unless back in the '30s a concentration camp was a hospital, Barack isn't Hitler. I mean, such a serious accussation from the group of people who fully, without fail, supported Bush. It's cute really. I just recently saw an episode of a reality show called Pretty Wild, about 3 girls with nice tits and 12 year old faces who are rich and are under the assumption that they are the next Kardashian Clan. They all have distinct personalities, you know, like Spice Girls. One is in court every episode because she's a suburban bad ass. The other is always on a date or whining about a dude, which makes her the whore I guess. Then the youngest one (I think, again, they all look 12 with nice tits) is the tantrum throwing one. The mother gets them all together and announces that they are gonna move closer to L.A., which is probably, at the most, about a half an hour from where they live now. The two girls are like, ok, whatever, who gives a shit. The youngest breaks down almost immediately. No transition in the midst of asking questions. Not even a valid reason WHY she's upset. Just immediate and intense response of "I can't believe you're doing this to me" in the highest schreeching, Sweet 16 tantrum like voice. Face contorted to Precious like ugly status. Tear ducts with the power to drown an entire sinful city. All this from a little girl who already gets everything she wants anyway. And to me? That is what the Republicans look like. Tantrum throwing little big tittied bitches who can't have their way.
Nuff Said

Jenna Fischer

aka

"Pam"

Funniest show on television EVER?  Debatable.  Funniest cast on television today? Probably.  Most wanted female character on television in my mind? Definitely.  As a man, how can you NOT want a Pam Beesley.  She's hot (and yes, I realize they display  her a bit more reserved and frumpy on the actual show, but these pics prove her endless potential of masturbatude). She's hilariously snarky and sarcastic (which for me is almost far more necessary than looks or personality).  What more do you need?  Pam Beesley is the epitome of "IT" girl.  No one cares if she breast feeds the wrong baby (lucky baby), and honestly, every Thursday I look forward to watching the Office and being slightly jealous of Jim.  Let's face it, Jim's the type of guy that seems fun to hang around, and would probably make a great best friend.  Pam is enough to make you say FUCK your friend, which is why she is this week's Vagina Hero.

Brand New Approach

“It's not until you lose everything, that you are free to do anything.” -Tyler Durden


So, as the year of 2010 has made it extremely clear that it will not do me any favors, I find myself it a slightly too familiar, yet interesting point in my life. I’m 32 years old. Single. A victim of my own foolish decisions. On the lighter side, I’ve gotten my feet wet in an industry that has ignited my once dampered creative side. My views on the optimism of love and dating has received a much needed jolt of youthful excitement. A beneficiary of my own traditional “bounce backs”.
I’ve recently lost some friends, . . . .a procedure I am all too familiar with, therefore numb about. I recall a conversation I’ve had with one of the only friends I’ve held on to past a 10 year stint. She had also lost one of her best friends to life’s constant series of bullshit, and she is the type that takes it very hard. It was at that moment that I realized my asshole-esque defense mechanism has served as a condom for Isolophobia (the fear of solitude or being alone) and that I’m fine with that. Alienation is a small side effect I’m willing to accept. I’m an army brat trapped in a non army brats body.
Holding on to something that doesn’t conduct itself in a “wanting to be held” way is extremely counter-productive. I understand that loss of attachment to someone or something is often heart wrenching and disappointing. Especially when it’s of a romantic kind. Hell, even losing a best friend is life altering, but isn’t that what life is? Always altering? I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. I also am a Christian bred believer in karma, if that makes any sense. For every terrible, crushing blow life dishes out, it also reciprocates with it’s own silver lining blow job, the blow job metaphorically equaling an awesome blessing. This frame of thinking has lifted me out of sentimental slumps that, purely based on my observations of people, would probably have traumatized a less guarded “heart on sleeve” individual.
With that being said, it is a double edge sword, when out of the ruins of a massive shit storm, that you meet or reconnect with someone who holds the same reticence of emotional commitment you do. Some might say this is a recipe for inevitable disaster, which, I’m sure, has a certain percentage of truth to it. Statistics of failure has never stopped me from pursuing things or people I want, obviously. This is where I am, socially, right now.
Where I’m from, the Region, probably the biggest little neighborhood I’ve known, it’s hard to meet someone who hasn’t already, at the least, known you through the stories and involvement of others. When you do, it’s almost like meeting the love of your life. This is where I am, emotionally, right now.
In ANY environment, be it the ‘burbs, the ghetto, lower, middle, or higher class, meeting someone who you can just “talk to” and feel like you spent the entire day enjoying an amusement park, is something cherish able. It’s rare to have moments that refresh childhood memories of meeting your “Winnie Cooper” (if you don’t comprehend that reference, then you’re lame). I’m not even talking about the whole “excitement of holding hands being ruined by becoming sexually active” theory. I’m talking the whole “excitement of riding bikes together ruined by becoming sexually active” theory. Do you remember the innocence of being young and having a friend of the opposite sex, and simply enjoying their voice, company and smile? This is where I am, happily, right now.
If you are in this sort of youthful state right now, word of advise, take it slow. Letting it happen to you is far more rewarding than the mess that occurs when you force yourself to happen to it. Trust me.
Now, taking it slow is not give the message that you should foot brake the situation, Flintstone style. That’s a terrible need to control it, which prevents some of the natural benefits that come from these rare instances. Rather than anchoring it, for the sake of taking it slow, just ride it in neutral. You’ll definitely smile a lot more, and the pressure of what you’re feeling towards that person will seem almost non existent. This is where I am, strategically, right now.
I’m not labeling myself an expert, relationships and friendships being two of the few things I’m not an expert at. These are merely the thoughts I’ve accrued over time, and what has seem to garner positive results. Do with your life what you will, but you’ll never be able to say you didn’t hear it from me.





Jennifer Garner



I usually have a group of celebrities that I plain just don’t like for remotely no reason whatsoever. Generally it’s something about their demeanor and/or presence that turns me off from even giving them a chance to win me over. Jennifer Garner was a former member of that group.
She always came off as either weird, not very personable and charismatic, or snooty to me. I was never a fan of Alias. Her credits, pre 2006 (with the exception of Catch Me If You Can), never really interested me. I didn’t even really consider her eye shockingly attractive (except for in the aforementioned Catch Me If You Can. She was fucking hot in that). She then marries Ben Affleck, whom, if you know me, I find over rated, unentertaining , and a joke when delivering the ever redundant RomCom “money shot” monologue. That’s all it took for me to dislike her.
Enter the film Juno. A movie I enjoyed, though maybe not as much as the entire teen mother sympathetic country. What I did love about it was Jennifer Garner’s character. Her delivery of the uptight, condescending, life perfectionist adoptive mother cracked me the fuck up. It came off very effortless and natural, and I kind of dig that about certain performances.
I then saw The Invention Of Lying, and I was totally hooked. If you had explained the premise of the movie to me before hand, then told me Jennifer Garner was in it, I would’ve probably felt leery about her ability to roll with the rest of the cast. Her performance, along side Ricky Gervais, was again, effortless. She hung with Gervais’ style quite effectively, causing me to add The Invention Of Lying to my list of favorite flicks. Thanks Jen. I’m sure she’s somewhere, on her knees, thanking the Lord that Keith Evans has been converted into a fan. I’m sure. Jennifer Garner, this week's Vagina Hero.








This is a demo reel introduction of a web series Digital Lizard Productions is going to be premiering soon, Nocturnal Emissions w/ Steven Thomas Darrell. Extremely funny concept in my opinion. The delivery has the potential to only get better, on my part, so please stay tuned. Let me know what you think, positive OR negative, but understand, it's fucking comedy people, so, unless, you have constructive criticism on how it can be funnier, fuck off.

Nuff Said,
Evans From The Heavens