Evans From The Heavens

MY return to hiphop (kinda sorta, not really)

2011-11-09T01:17:00.001-08:00

So I heard Childish Gambino's You See Me from his album Camp and flipped out, the beat was ridiculous (as was the lyrics) It got me sooooo hyped up, I wanted to do a slight freestyle to it, so I looped it and did it out of boredom... Not very good, and please don't judge HIS song on my shotty attempt at dusting off my rap lips, but I just wanted to fuck around, as a fan.... and I'm sure people will be doing freestyles to it once it goes worldwide, and put alot more effort towards it... I just fucking like the song. Enjoy....or not... #AsianGirlsEverywhere #UCLA

UCMe_Freestyle_efth.avi Watch on Posterous

Our Lil' Dina's All Grown Up (feat. Lil Wayne and Slightly Kanye) lol

2011-11-08T02:04:00.001-08:00

So I made this track last night for a friend... and as she was texting me she said something about lil Wayne vocals on it, so for the fuck of it tonight, I threw some weezy acapella vocals on it. The original track is on my soundcloud http://snd.sc/ryMv7S , but I have a few friends who like lil wayne so this special version is for them. I seriously need to go to sleep now. Goodnight

Our_Little_Dina's_All_Grown_Up_with_Vocals.mp3 Listen on Posterous

Complicated Quiet (Raw version/no mix down)

2011-10-18T17:59:00.001-07:00

So this has seriously been stuck in my head for awhile. Originally inspired by the confusion of Sana Bananas, it kind of took it's own growth pattern.... and now I'm stuck. Lyrics are randomly popping in my head but I need your constructive criticism.....

Complicated_Quiet.mp3 Listen on Posterous

Untitled

2011-10-04T21:41:00.001-07:00

13_In_Da_Club_by_50_Cent_(DRM_remix).mp3 Listen on Posterous

This was one of the first Fruity Loops track I ever made oh so long ago, but I deem it appropriate right now. Happy BerfDAY 2 ME!!!!!!!!

EFTH BDay Countdown Mix

2011-09-26T20:14:00.001-07:00

So, chilling with an old friend of mine (Matt Vegas) and he asked me why I didn't spin anymore. I haven't been on tables consistently since years before my daughter was born, and when I HAVE fucked around, I just wasn't feeling it. I'm pro vinyl all the way, and once CDJs and karaoke DJs started taking over the scene, I dropped it completely. The last legit party set I did was in 2002. Matt Vegas was the promoter.

After convincing Matt to let me fuck with his Pioneer Pro CDJ-2000s (this was a bit of a struggle) and then driving all the way to Michigan City to nab a shitty Numark mixer (I HATE Numarks), I put one in the air and went to work.

Picking songs wasn't that hard, but finding accapellas, and figuring out how to hook the mixer up and use FLStudio 10 as an effects module was murder. After a couple Hrs of brushing up on the touch sensitivity of the CDJ 2000s ( I HATE CDJs) it was officially on.

This is the result, and all I'm asking is for some feedback from you people who like to dance your asses off till the sun rises. Hopefully if it's suitable I will run it at the Roast (October6th) seeing as DJ Paul is a karaoke DJ and won't have much dance music.

EFTH_Bday_Mix_(Oct4th2011).mp3 Listen on Posterous

A bunch of old shit aka EFTH Greatest Hits

2011-09-08T23:31:00.001-07:00

So i got bored and just decided to post some old tracks i may or may not have posted before... enjoy. . .or whatever.

Toyota_Tercel.mp3 Listen on Posterous

Plan_B_(Thanksgiving_2010).mp3 Listen on Posterous

It's_Clobberin'_Time_rough.mp3 Listen on Posterous

Song_of_the_Robin's_Breast.mp3 Listen on Posterous

The Doherty Report (1st Mix)

2011-09-08T22:28:00.001-07:00

So, Reverb blows because they cant't handle the pure megabyte power of my music files, so some of these I have to post through here. This song is based off a slight crush I have someone... I'm a fan of techno trancey shit purely through me listening to it, not making it, however, IDK, I got into a zone.... I personally blame the inspiration of Ryanne Doherty, coupled with my slightly disoriented state as this is the first piece I've made since the surgery. Let me know what you think. But you have to play it straight through though, NO SKIPPING, I know, my build ups tend to take a while, but i like the anticipation of the one track at a time entrances. . . . sue me.

The_Doherty_Report.mp3 Listen on Posterous

Quoth The Raven Extended

2011-01-24T12:55:00.001-08:00

I still don't know what I want to do with this. I have a tight verse that goes with it, but has nothing to do with the Raven, therefore I'd have to take the vocal samples outcompletely. On the other hand, I see this being used as some sort of performance piece that I dreamt up in my head. What do you think? Let me know.

Download now or listen on posterous

Raven_II_extended.mp3 (4390 KB)

Quoth The Raven

2011-01-20T14:54:00.001-08:00

Download now or listen on posterous

Quoth_The_Raven_(2nd_Draft).mp3 (13919 KB)

The Final Product for today. We'll see what I add tomorrow. . . . . . . .

Qoute The Raven - First Draft by Evans From The Heavens

2011-01-20T08:38:00.001-08:00

This is something I'm working on. Still a work in progress. Just found it interesting, yet lacking something. your thoughts?

Download now or listen on posterous

Qoute_The_Raven_1st_Draft.mp3 (9829 KB)

Public Service Announcement v.1

2010-11-22T09:17:00.000-08:00

Rapists. We all know at least 3. As sad as that may be its a truth that should completely invade your mind with reckless abandon without any regard for your acceptance of this intrusive thought. See. Do I know 3? Definitely. #1 Some dude named Ryan I worked with at TGIFriday's. I found out he was a rapist through one of those Google Sex Offender Maps on the internet. The 2nd is a past cohort Morry Davis. Now this is only an assumption, however I think I knew him a sufficient amount of time to suspect him as a weekender. The 3rd is a woman, whose name I will exclude. I was her victim. Though I became an eventual consenter three fourths thru the attack, I still claim this as rape.

As I write this, I am currently in the midst of of possible rapists. I am in Griffith, Indiana, a breeding ground for the creepy and mystical masters of the art of fleshly breaking and entering. Statistically speaking, within the confines of the northwest Indiana region, for every 10 Caucasian girls you meet, 7 of them has a story about being raped, or at the very least narrowly escaping it. Out of that 7, 6 of them suffered said act from a Griffith resident (or at the least, they worked at the Griffith Menard's). These are facts people.

As I look around, my third eye opens to point them out. There's a 60 something causasian man with his lovely wife. They are very middle American and suburban as he sits in his black wranglers with his black and white flannelled shirt, pocket protector/eye glass case in tow.

Sorry, there's a hot Latin girl singing karaoke (Lauryn Hill) right now. Unfortunately, she may be someone's victim tonight. Poor girl.

The man from earlier, probably a school teacher, definitely a weekender. He most likely prefers high school targets, which, let's face it, if rape is your field, that's about the easiest target with resistance. There's a black dude in a Tim Duncan away jersey and old school all black "locs" (sunglasses, similar to what a member of NWA might wear), a rapist without question.

Suspects EVERYwhere.

I can't stress enough how effective not washing your vaginas just may be, ladies. A visibly and odorous crotch with little to no maintenance could be the difference between turning away a possible suitor and saving your own life. Let that little jewel force itself on your conscience.

Surprisingly, sometimes that may not be enough. As "Freaks Come Out At Night" plays in my earholes, Griffith's finest have gathered in joyful unison, my blood pressure rises. Danger is afoot, ...with five volatile toes. The school teacher, Tim Duncan, some creeptard in a Nike hoodie, a black dude in a River Oaks mall sweater/skull cap/boot set (mandatory cheap blue tooth), and some chic in black leather leggings. The high council has assembled. Someone's innocence and self respect are in true peril right now. The rape hormone is thick in this smoke filled air. On the bar tv, the audience of the Oprah show is in hysterics, as the Christmas themed set hints, she's giving away shit. These visuals inspire my view of what the ancient city Sodom and Gomorrah would be like. Complete chaos.

Never judge a book by its cover. The hot Latina girl I referred to earlier, the very one whose vagina I feared for? She's now singing "The Thong Song" by Sisco. The aggressee becomes the aggressor.

I wonder if more than a certain number of rapists in one town constitute the use of a Union? It would probably keep things more organized. From the rapist's stand point at least.

Where's my waitress?

Probably somewhere getting raped.

I know, my words seem harsh and borderline negligent. I do realize this. What you guys need to realize is this town of Griffith in the state of Indiana is lawless. It's a "rape or be raped" society in these parts, and unless you rock iron panties, your p's and q's need to be kept close and guarded like you're the Lord of the Ring. Human hyenas I tell you. If R. Kelly or Michael Jackson walked in here, it would be as if Jesus walked into a Mexican restaurant. Complete and utter reverence.

As the intro to Purple Rain begins to play, someone felt it necessary to scream out "This is by Prince!". These are terrible times we live in people. The high council of Region rapists assemble with potential victims on the dance floor. My exit is now a must. I've spent too much time in this House of 1,000 "future" Corpses. As much as I love and adore the discography of Prince Nelson Rogers, this is only fuel to the fire. I think this girl whose found her duty to fuck up the lyrics to Purple Rain just might get raped by the entire bar, on general principle. I may have to support this one isolated incident. You really deserve to be raped if you don't know the lyrics to Purple Rain.

If Ya Smell What The Brit Is Cookin'

2010-11-22T09:02:00.000-08:00

The music scene, especially those who go pop, reminds me so much of professional wrestling sometimes. You have your “Faces” aka good guys (I.e. Taylor Swift, Justin Beiber, Fresh Prince, etc). You have your “Heels” aka bad guys (I.e. Kanye West, John Mayer, Ke$ha, etc). You’ve got your “Stables” aka groups or factions (I.e. Black Eyed Peas, Death Row Records, and whatever you call Jay-Z, Kanye, and Beyonce). More so than the others, you have your “Tweeners” aka the people you simultaneously love to hate or hate to love, depending on the day. Madonna was one, before she became like the Ric Flair of pop. Kanye himself is actually a Tweener right now, in the Randy Orton sort of way. Lady Gaga, most definitely is a Tweener, but in wrestling terms, she’s probably The Rock of right now. Electrifying in the way that she knows how to snatch the attention of the audience.

This wrestling comparison comes to mind because just like huge Wrestlemania matches, pop has those big time main events, when two huge names go at it in some way, shape or form. It might be literal beef, as in the whole Kanye/Taylor fiasco. It might be in the form of award show nominations/performances/appearances, like say how Beyonce and Lady GaGa battled for who had the hugest year that year. It might just simply be simultaneous release dates of albums, much like the whole Kanye west vs. 50 Cent Loser Must Retire match.

Whatever it may be, I am requesting a return of a former multi time world champion vs. current world champion.

Lady GaGa vs. Britney Spears

That’s right. I want Lady GaGa, in the center of the squared circle. On the mic, building up the crowd, giving a promo (that’s promotional speech for those NOT in the know) about her current dominance, when suddenly, at a key moment in her speech. . . . “It’s Britney Bitch!” hits the speaker system, the crowd goes crazy. Lady GaGa removes her old school white washed Cadillac hub capped fashioned sunglasses and stares at the entrance stage. Then, without notice we hear “Hit Me Baby One More Time” as Britney appears behind GaGa and hits her with a steel chair.

Now this is all metaphorical mind you. But seriously, how huge would it be in the pop world for Britney to come back with some hard hitting, brain freezing annoying hit single that shakes radio and club Djs at their very core. We then find out that Lady GaGa and Spears’ new albums are to be released on the same day. Sure, Lady GaGa is probably the better singer. She also does something Britney doesn’t do, and that’s write all her own shit. As far as dancing goes, it depends on your mood. Gaga’s got moves, as unorthodox and hideously syncopated as they may be, that crazy drunk girl, zombie styled choreography is new and innovative, but let’s face it, Britney’s FAR hotter, FAR sexier, and FAR more well proportioned than her challenger. This makes ANY dance moves she does (and yes, the bitch can dance) far more eye milking. Let’s also be completely honest, in the pop leagues, sex sells, and while Lady Gaga’s style leans more toward ambiguity, Britney’s is straight up If You Seek Amy.

The question is though, what has Brit been working on? Is she in total mom mode? Is she done with her “circus” act of a lifestyle. For all we know, Britney could return on some crazy introspective emo country type catastrophe. Not likely. I truly believe Britney’s life force is the clubs. Her last run was actually pretty leveled with her post breakdown run. Even right after her head shaving and custody battling, when she showed up as the opening act for the VMA’s all “schwasted” or whatever, her “terrible” performance was still better than somebody like Ke$ha’s best. Then came the Circus. Her body snapped back like a rubber band. Some may even say it got better. Her songs, as far as pop goes, were well constructed, just the right dosage of tipsy whore and socialite refinery. Did I mention how hot she was? What’s ironic is right when Britney’s last album finally died out, Lady GaGa was just walking through the door. GaGa has kind of raised the bar as far as pop writing goes. Who’s writing Britney’s stuff now? It obviously ain’t two of the biggest writers during that last Britney era, which were ironically enough Lady GaGa and Ke$ha; they kind of got their own thing going on. So what has the Brit been cooking?

Word has it from the web vine that Britney’s dabbling in a more grimier dirtier sound. It’s reported that Dr. Luke and longtime Brit producer Max Martin are hard at work at creating this deep electronic soundscape. Now, I’m no pop music guru, so though I get a sense of what they mean, it may be WAY over my head on how it actually sounds. Would I say GaGa is grimier and dirtier than the Britney we’ve known? Definitely. And funny thing is, I always said that if Britney had a time machine, she would most definitely had used her breakdown moment and created her own Fame Monster post that. However you add grimier and dirtier to Ms. Spears, it’s alright with me.

     There’s also a nice back story about how Britney’s new songs were recently saved or salvaged from some sort of fire. There’s nothing like a juicy storyline that adds to the stigma/record sales of a pop/drama queen. Did Lady GaGa secretly set said fire? I’m 99.9% sure she didn’t, but it just be really more entertaining if she did. It’s alright super action packed that the owner of said house of flames stated that the cause of the fire was from his car exploding. How much more enthralling would it be if someone from Lady Gaga’s camp rigged his car with some type of raw meat constructed bomb? I’m just saying.

     The key to who wins this battle is obviously between two key groups that keep any pop machine moving; the Gays and the kids. Lady GaGa has always had the Gays on lock, but let’s not forget how dedicated the Gays have always been to Britney. When us breeders turned our backs on her crazy ass during her bald headed, Federline slumming break down, the Gays stuck by her like, for lack of a more appropriate metaphor, dicks to ass. And while I do understand kids like Lady GaGa, this one may be tricky. On one hand, the kids who love GaGa now were like babies when Britney was at her most dominant. She’d almost be new to them in a way. On the other hand, as much as a tweenage girl may like and respect the Lady, most girls would rather strive to look like Britney when they get older, which for them would be 15 yrs old. It’s the demographics that truly breed champions.

     Britney Spears, I wish you the best. If you ARE pitted against the pop machine known as Lady GaGa, here’s some sound advice. DO NOT COPY HER STYLE. Your former nemesis Xtina did. She failed horribly. More horribly than she did when she battled you. Ke$ha did, and though she’s held some success, most would reluctantly admit that they loathe looking at that girl. Do NOT COPY HER GAGA’s STYLE. If you do, it will be your downfall. Do your Britney thing. Don’t let them swindle you into believing that you should be like her, because if they ARE saying that to you, it’s just a plot to assassinate your career. When it comes down to it, simply just be as sexy as possible. You have Lady GaGa beat in that department just by taking a poop when you wake up. Personally, I would say experiment with some producers. Of course you want to keep your dance theme going, that’s what got you to the. . .er, dance, but why not cop a quick Kanye remix, or nab some sort of LMFAO/Lil’ Jon club mix? It really couldn’t hurt. Tap both markets. Be that chic who rocks the GaGa crowd as well as the Beyonce crowd. I truly do wish Britney Spears the best. The more she succeeds, the more of her we see. The more of her we see, the more we ALL win.

Digital Lizard Productions: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2010-11-11T00:12:00.000-08:00

this is a candid Facebook conversation between geniuses, enjoy. . . . . .

Keith's FaceBook Profile

Keith Evans

EWWWWW Mikey keeps poking me in my Face...book

9 hours ago via Text Message ·UnlikeLike · Comment

You and Jennifer Carroll like this.

Michael Goodpaster It's retaliation pokes of doom. Don't make it out to be anything sexual because that would be wishful thinking. And besides, I look nothing like Kanye West.

9 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans ‎*URGENT NOTICE* Michael GoodPaster was aroused by a young Ilan Mitchell-Smith while watching Weird Science... Go to www.digitallizardproductions.com for more info.

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans once confessed to me that if Kanye West was within kissing distance that he'd fellate him.

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster go to digitallizardproductions.com for more info

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans Did You Know... when Michael Goodpaster "likes" something, that's considered a first date. When he "pokes" something, that's considered common law marriage. For more info go to www.digitallizardproductions.com

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster For those wondering, Keith Evans isn't a Kanye West stunt double... he's his lover's stunt double. (What I'm saying is that Keith is gay for Kayne in the non-biblical kind of way.)

More information on THIS and an explanation why Keith still ...enjoys Dane Cook can be found at: www.digitallizardproductions.comSee More

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans If homosexuality was self mutilation, Michael Goodpaster would be the Demi LoVato of Facebook comments. Go To www.digitallizardproductions.com for leaked nude pics of Max Headrom

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster What does Keith Evan's gag reflex and Kanye West's manhood have in common? Too much.

This and Keith's favorite recipes at www.digitallizardproductions.com

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans I walked into Michael's Goodpaster room one night to find him watching Glee with his pants down and a noose around his neck. This was 5 years ago. For an explanation please tune in to www.digitallizardproductions.com

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster If eye contact is made with Keith Evans and he blinks... he's just day dreaming about swimming in a pool of Kanye's sweat....

Pictures and more at www.digitallizardproductions.com

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans If Michael Goodpaster is being anally raped by a tree in the woods, and no one is around to hear it, does he make a sound? Hear live audio at www.digitallizardproductions.com

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading...

Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans nicknamed his lip ring "Wang"... he loves having it on his lips. For real, check out www.digitallizarproductions.com!

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans Michael Goodpaster told me his favorite ball player was a creepy uncle... I KNOW, right? Go to www.digitallizardproductions.com for the full police report.

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster Everytime he sees someone yawn, Keith Evans gets an erection. I drink a lot of coffee around him. For this and other tips on how to not yawn around Keith Evans please check out www.digitallizardproductions.com

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans is a juggalo. For his new mix entitled "Brojamma Ruckus" hit up www.digitallizardproductions.com

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster It is a proven fact that once you shake Keith Evan's hand it will smell like liver and onions for about three weeks. For ways to remove this smell, please check out www.digitallizardproductions.com

8 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans Michael Goodpaster confided in me that if pooping was backwards, he'd enjoy it a lot more. For more shit like this, go to www.digitallizardproductions.com

7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans Michael Goodpaster was requested a urine sample by his doctor. He simply wiped his brow. He had just left R. Kelly's prior to this appointment. Go to www.digitalliazrdproductions.com to download 12 Play

7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster When Keith Evans was a baby his first word was "scrotum". For baby pictures please check out www.digitallizardproductions.com

7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans moonlights as the tambourine player for an all Nickelback cover band called "Refund".... to hear the first video, check out www.digitallizardproductions.com

7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans Explore the benefits of using sperm as tattoo ink w/ Michael Goodpaster. This and other Saturday Night Alternatives at www.digitallizardproductions.com

7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleYou and Michael Goodpaster like this.

Michael Goodpaster Did you know.... Keith Evans named his tooth brush "Kanye's Dick". For this and Keith's favorite episodes of "Tonight Show with Jay Leno" please visit www.digitallizardproductions.com

7 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Keith Evans Wanna see Michael Goodpaster on Halstead singing Natasha Beddingfield songs at Chuck & Kevin's Hairyoke Bar? Live stream at www.digitallizardproductions.com

6 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

Michael Goodpaster Keith Evans refuses to play poker. He prefers poke-him. That's right. www.digitallizardproductions.com

4 hours ago ·UnlikeLike · 2 peopleLoading...

EMAs, VMAs, STDs, and Fake I.D.s

2010-11-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

Pop culture is amazing in the differences of its relevance to what part of the world you live in. It seems to me that in Europe, pop culture (my use of the phrase meaning what’s popular and what’s not) has a bit more variety. I mean, obviously, certain pop culture staples remain the same worldwide (i.e. Lady Gaga and apparently Jersey Shore), yet there are some nice subtle differences. These differences can be noticed most specifically by watching the EMA’s, or for those who don’t speak immigrant, the European Music Awards.

Much like wrestling, foreign crowds seem like way hotter crowds. It’s like they love every fucking thing, especially if it’s American, which speaks volumes about what other countries love about our country and what they hate about us as well.

Ga Ga, as expected, took home the most awards, but didn’t perform, which I found discouraging and quite dumb on MTV’s part (though she WAS on tour somewhere, but since when do satellites no longer work?). Also surprising is either the lack of interest of Kanye West in Europe, OR the lack of MTV’s urge to have him involved in the show. Besides really wealthy American socialite women, Kanye is probably one of the biggest supporters of Europe’s economy, seeing as that is all he boasts about wearing. With that being said, it would’ve been nice to see Senor Yeezy perform is artsy spectacle of Runaway in the grand, stadium rock environment where artsy is everyday normalcy. Apparently, the number one rapper in Europe is Dizzy Rascal, who consequently ghost writes rhymes for Eva Longoria AND Kings Of Leon (which I’m sure my boss, Mikey Migo did not reveal in his Kings Of Leon expose’, lol).

As far as comedy goes, with the exception of the ultra sarcastic and dry British brand, I’ve never really been exposed to the humor of any other European region. The EMA’s have actually been the catapult to some now worldwide comedians careers, in the same manner as the VMA’s hosting gig is for U.S. comics (i.e. Russell Brand and Sasha Baron Cohen). If I were to guesstimate the most UN-funny European country, it would most definitely be France. Apparently, Eva Longoria is of some funny relevance to the Euros, and the only way I could personally explain this is her marriage to Tony Parker, who is French. As hot as she may be, again, I must re-iterate, the French are not that funny.

The performances seem to be always on a grander scale overseas. This is in regards to the EMA’s as well as concerts in general. A few obvious live performances were inevitable. Shakira, who was worldwide before the States even knew who she was, put on her every day, huge performance that was enjoyable, sexy, energetic, and sexy all at once (and yes I said sexy twice, which is ironically the same amount of times I became erect during her performance). Shak always does well live, and seemed to be a perfect choice for performance opener, fresh off the heels of her World Cup extravaganza. Katy Perry was pretty none spectacular and did what she was expected to do, though I find it odd and ironic that her on stage attire was a bit downplayed compared to her Sesame Street gear. You’d think being in Madrid Spain, she would’ve entertained us by showing a bit more. Maybe it truly is more about the music in Europe. Linkin Park, who have seemed to lose their steam of relevancy in the States put on an average performance of a song from their new album that frankly isn’t that good. Sad, after Minutes to Midnight, I thought LP might be expanding musically and crawling out of that cave that was Hip-Rock or whatever they labeled that mash-up style Fred Durst forced down our ear canals.

Madame Tik Tok, aka Lady Ke$ha (by law I am required to spell her name with a dollar sign S) was completely awful live, if you can ignore the audio completely. Significantly better than any performance I accidentally had seen of hers here in America. Ironically enough, I learned something interesting about Ke$ha that makes so much sense in her “origin” story.

Apparently, Ke$ha, whom hails from Nashville (appropriately enough), was the hick daughter of some hick lady on Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie’s The Simple Life back in 2004. I know, it’s all starting to make sense now, isn’t it. How appropriate is it that this hillbilly pop tramp , who, in her defense, was probably writing music before Hilton and her half breed side kick waltzed in her home, is sort of the result of redneck Nashville and the Paris/Nicole experience. After a not too long search for clips from that episode on YouTube, I was pleasantly amused. The episode itself centers on Hilton, Richie and Ke$h-Dawg auditioning men for her single non-milf mother to date. The winner ends up being this black guy, whose voice apparently soothes Paris’ soul. If you watch the video though, please please please pay attention to the end when said Mandingo is presented to the mother. Ke$ha’s little brother, who I pray will debut as the hillbilly Justin Beiber someday, has this all too awkward look of confusion on his face. Let’s just say that when you’re around 8 or 9 yrs old, and your mom brings home man, and you’re white and you live in Nashville, the trauma of that man being black might be a bit much to handle at first. Enjoy. . . .

Here’s a bit of bonus bullshit from my mind. I’ve noticed something about our dear little Drizzy Drake. If we are going with the theory of Jay-Z being the equivalent of Jordan, then I would have to say Drake is the new and more suitable Kobe Bryant. Hear me out. Some might disagree with the Jay-Z/Jordan comparison. Whether you disagree or not, resume’ wise, as well as skill wise, he is. Lyrically, no one can fuck with Jay-Z, and though Hov might be, at the very least, entering his “Wizards” stage of his career, his #45 stint is still far more enjoyable than Jordan’s. Drake, on the other hand, just as Kobe is to Mike, is starting to become a Xerox copy of Jay.

I first noticed this while watching Drake’s VMA performance. His conversational flow (the gum chewing equal to Jay-Z’s rap style) is right there. His choices of production and collaboraters reminds me of the Air Jordan-esque walk of Mr. S-Dot. And though Jay-Z has massively improved in the live performance department from his early dead pan beginnings, that whole “I come off better on audio medium than I do in front of your face” thing is truly his signature jumper. Kobe shoots exactly like Michael. Drake shoots exactly like Hova. I’m not saying this to say it’s this terrible thing. As much as I despise Kobe Bryant for his identity theft, in his defense, I was never an MJ fan either (REGGIE MILLER till the day I die MOFO!!!). I do however respect and comprehend that no matter how much I disliked Mike (though I did adore his Hall of Fame approach) he was/is the best to ever play a professional basketball game. With that being said, I guess Kobe could imitate worse (God forbid he was a carbon copy of Charles Barkely). In the same respect, I suppose it’s best Drake imitate Jay-Z rather than Ja-Rule or say M.C. Hammer (CHEAP SHOT ALERT!!!!!). Hey, whatever gets you through the day with a smile on your face, right? Just an observation I decided to display. Feel free to leave comments and express your displeasure for my views. Till next time . . . eat shit.

Where Did October Go

2010-11-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

It is officially November. . .

That's just great.

Time for the holiday chaos to begin rearing its hideous head. People driving like maniacs because they aren't used to this winter concept called snow. The hardcore shoppers losing all civilized conduct due to their need to access any and everything tangible and materialistic. The masses preparing to put on their fakest displays of courtesy and friendliness because they've been raised to believe that the holidays is a time for you to abandon any true emotions you have for the sake of being cordial, albeit insincere. I feel like Jesus is somewhere thinking; "Great. Another birthday ruined".

On a positive note, its boot season for women. Anyone who knows me knows I have a bit of a thing for women walking around the city in fashionable boots. I wouldn't call it a fetish, but there's something about heeled boots that increases the hotness of the women who wear them (this totally edging out the anticipation for female summer wear, in my opinion). Also, snow. I love snow.

Yep, it's officially November, but just as the questioned was posed to me by a friend of mine on facebook; "Where did October go?”

Well, seeing as October IS my favorite month, (simply because I was born in it), I'd like to take you down a bit of what I deem as short term memory lane. Let us reminisce the random happenings of the "Big O" and see just how silly we look. Perhaps this will prepare some of you for the ridiculous events that may wrap up 2010.

Now, take in consideration, I literally missed the entire first half of October, due to my legal "coma" and all. A lot of this was a matter of playing "catch up" once I was released. These events also are not ranked in any particular order, which is appropriate for someone like me who prefers disorder (to a certain extent).

Gay Bullies

So apparently cyber bullies are mainstream, AGAIN. Now, don't get me wrong, for I am not necessarily anti-bullying. I view bullying as a part of American culture. I mean, if countries were high school students, are we not the Biff Tanner of the world? Of course we are. I was bullied in school, as I also did my share of bullying. Some of the best musicians are a result of being a victim of school day tormenting. Obviously there's a line between run of the mill bullying and flat out hate crimes (though sometimes I feel the line is sometimes thinner or broader than it should be, depending on the person bitching about it). Tis not the simple act of bullying I am against, but the act of "cyber" bullying. Any random ass clown (be it the cliché insecure bully or some wimp poser) can "bully" someone from the internet. It really takes an eighth of a person to act tough via World Wide Web. As the great entertainer Vince Vaughn might put it; "Cyber bullying is gay". What could be gayer than cyber bullying? Uhm, I got it, the weak minded suckers who are victimized by it. I mean seriously? With all due respect to the friends and family of people like Phoebe Prince, I don't think committing suicide was even close to necessary as far as solutions go. Who the eff cares what somebody says about you on the internet? It's the damned internet. And as dumb and foolish as it may be for someone to spread rumors (or truths), embarrass others by name calling, or even suggest that your target "kill themselves" on the web, how dumb or foolish is the person that actually cries about it, or, God forbid, accepts the suggestion and take their own life. Obviously that "target" has mental handicaps in the first place, and guess what? That's why people pick on you! It's all so gay. And speaking of the word gay, get over it. Gay has many definitions at this point. If I were to cry every time I heard some wannabe gang banging suburban Caucasian or one of those "I can play both sides of the black/white issue" Hispanic using the word "nigga", I just might bully myself into a proper suicide. How about the age old notion of gay meaning happy. So I guess all the happy people should've started protesting against homosexuals when THEY started using the term for themselves. Gay can refer to a homosexual, or to be happy. It can also mean acting unnecessarily dumb about things that don't require so much attention. Hell, as of late, I've used it in the sense of having a huge crush on somebody or something, i.e.; "I'm so gay for Mexican food". Nobody owns words; with the exception of Lil Wayne and Gene Simmons (you can figure that reference out yourself). Connotation is key. Now that that's over, can we all stop acting so gay about everything? I'm so GLAAD we had this talk.

. . . speaking of gay. . . .

The "alleged" Glee Controversy

Glee, probably the gayest show on television, and I don't mean that in a negative way because I did faithfully watch the entire first season without fail. I enjoyed it. From what I hear, the second season is way more "what musical catalog should we rob" focused and less well written, but hey, everybody sells out eventually. Glee is definitely a pop culture staple, and with that comes the decision to push the envelope every once in awhile. So 3 of Glee's main characters; Lea Michele (whom I particularly think is incredibly hot), Cory Montieth, and Diana Agron appear on the cover of GQ. Scantily clad isn't the term I'm looking to use. Neither is naked. However, just as scheduled, lots of people are bitching about the photo spread. I've read that some people are actually claiming it to be borderline pedophilia, yet the actor/actresses true ages are a "none issue". Since when is age a non issue when in reference to pedophilia? That's like saying being gay or lesbian has nothing to do with same sex attraction. Makes no sense. Now, I'm sure you realize this is simply a rerun. Remember when Britney Spears was the "Glee" of the early 2000's? Remember when she posed for the cover of Rolling Stone magazine? There's something extremely monumental about what happened after that "controversy". What happened was, we got over it. Same procedure here. It's not that serious. These chics on the show, be you a fan or not, are hot. Hot people get put on the cover of magazines. Millions of people buy these magazines because hot people are on them. The more provocative the dress, the more magazines sold. It's a simple equation that will not cease based on a bunch of cry baby protesters complaining for the sake of complaining. That's the thing about complaining, eventually, you get over it, so why even waste valuable time, which could be used improving yourself, by wasting it on being upset about something that literally doesn't matter? Wait, isn't that what blogging's about?

. . . speaking of things we get over. . .

The West Is Yet To come

What a difference 365 days make. One full year ago, it seemed like over half of the country wanted to storm toward Kanye West's home with pitch forks, bats and torches. How could he ruin the moment of a pure little innocent American sweetheart like Taylor Swift, fully for the benefit of explaining something to the world that the world already knew. Sure, we were all thinking it. We all knew that Beyonce's Single Ladies was a far better and more successful video than whatever song Swift snatched the award with. It was always my argument that Kanye's only problem (besides and excess amount of Hennessy) was that he was all ready to complain about his "little sister" not winning during the first fucking award the VMAs presented. Comes to find out she would take home many more than Swift, including Video of the Year (2009). Fast forward to now. Taylor and Yeezy both return to the scene of the crime. Like a rapist and his victim, the air still holds a stench of brown urban liquor and Wal-Mart chap stick. Swift and West both are slated to perform. Swift's up first, with an unnecessary video intro of "what happened last year". I say unnecessary because I mean, come on. . . Everybody has seen that footage enough times to act it out word for word, step for step, by memory. People with Alzheimer's remember last year's VMAs. It is like showing us a video clip of Antoine Dobson's homosexual threats towards the infamous Lincoln Park "Bed Intruder". In other words, we got it. Having that video intro to such a drab song was actually very anti-climatic. It made you feel like T-Sweezy would come out dressed liked Dobson and rip some sinister rhyme about how Ye's a punk bitch gay fish with homo tendencies. Not the case. She sings her boring, suicide induced tune, with no shoes mind you. Great. Kanye's turn, and with a simple recipe of one MPC 2000XL, Caucasian ballerinas, and a song that is part apologetic/part "I is who I is" entitled Runaway (which I interpret as subliminal advice to Taylor Swift herself). Kanye immediately wins the hearts of his detractors while a good portion of people who were Swift fans last year have either moved on, switch sides, or killed themselves from being cyber bullied over the summer. Kanye will probably finish this year out in traditional successful Kanye form. Meanwhile I find a certain rumor about Swift to be ironic. One can only wish that a fling between Taylor and John Mayer (aka white Kanye) actually DID happen. It would only prove how much of a bitch karma really is.

Here's another example of getting over it. Has anybody noticed how the majority of the hate for Michael Vick kind of ceased once he started back running for 100 yards for the Eagles? Funny how steadfast these "complainers" are with their complaints until they grow weary of complaining about them.

Halloween 2010

I was sort of excited for Halloween this year, seeing as I missed my birthday and all. With that said, Halloween sort of fell apart, or I'd rather say, ran out of steam once it finally arrived. I ended up being Kanye for the second year in a row (which in hindsight wasn't that bad, people still love it, and he's generally relevant during this season every year). Obviously, I did not walk around with a bottle of Hennessy and a mouth full of interruptions. This year, I took inspiration from the Runaway film, except I opted to actually wear socks with my black slacks. I even accessorized with a milk carton that donned a missing persons like decal of Selita Ebanks' phoenix. All in all, it was a decent evening.

. . .and THAT was my October in a nutshell. . .

Chicken Suit For The Soul

2010-10-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

Chicken Suit For The Soul

So, how do I go about this?

First off, let me just say, it’s really nice to be typing my blog on a computer instead of writing them from behind the confines of jail. With that being said, I’m sort of leery of my content, post incarceration. It seems to me that focus is so much easier when all your freedom is stripped from you. Freedom provides access to distraction, and right now, distraction is my number one enemy. But alas, I keep moving forward. I expect all who follow my blogs to continue to travel this path with me. The only thing I ask is that you show me a little fucking respect and refrain from bullshitting me. I want your input (said the robotic slut to her human male companion). If you feel I start slack in my writings, comment about it. If you feel in total disagreement to the things I say, comment about it. If you agree with all of my rantings and simply want to shower me with verbal praise, well dag nabbit, comment about it.
The Evans From The Heavens blog, and even more so, the Digital Lizard Productions website has been experiencing some major effing growth. Our daily views have been growing day by day. Our web series video views have been flourishing as well. The one thing I personally feel is lacking is the comments. Please people, just do me a favor. This can be your version of giving me a “welcome Home” or “Jail Graduation” gift. Comment, comment, comment. Got nothing to say? Just say hi. We not only want to entertain you and please you, but we also want your feedback, it pleases us. Mutual pleasure is the best kind ya know.

“I’m a fly Malcolm X, by any jeans necessary” – Kanye West

          Speaking of pleasure, upon my release from the clinker, I was bombarded with emails, facebook messages, and the like, informing of Kanye West’s MTV VMA performance of his new song Runaway. In their own individual way, every message was the same; “Keith, that song Runaway is your theme song”. After finally illegally downloading said song (and crying tears of personal defeat and triumph) I was inclined to agree. I then began to learn of Kanye West’s re-emergence into our lives. He kind of went silent after his Taylor-slaying (an emotionally violent act I fully support), and personally, the only thing I had heard from him was his leak single Power which debuted shortly before I went into my “coma”.
Again, how do I go about this?

          Be you a Yeezy fan or not, his musical genius is slightly undeniable. It was just common sense to assume that he would return shortly with yet another soundscape of phenomenal proportions. What many may not have seen coming was Mr. West’s directorial debut. I was pleasantly appalled to discover that on October 23rd, 2010, Kanye would be premiering not a video for Runaway, but a short film (simultaneously on MTV, MTV2, and some really shitty channel called BET). Oh how Michael Jackson of Kanye to pull off something of this unimportance.

          But that’s thing I think I love and hate about Kanye at the same time. He’s not only an amazing producer and an extremely under-rated lyricist. He’s managed to successfully allow his celebrity to magnify who he is, kind of like Spider-Man’s symbiotic black costume (whoa, that was a pun I did not intend to intend, but pretty fucking funny). Kanye West IS the ambassador of unnecessary excess, which in turn, makes him the ambassador of this country. He’s as American as Hawaiian black Presidents and I Phone apps that urinate for you. Well, the ambassador’s back, in total full effect. The Kanye twitter era is a perfect example;

“Is it super lonely and miserable to buy yourself a Cartier love bracelet... well I guess I do love myself lol!!!” – Kanye West via Twitter

          I mean this motherfucker bought himself a Cartier love bracelet, purely on the general principle that he loves himself. I couldn’t have done it worse myself. . . . . and believe me, I’ve tried. Let’s not even mention the ridiculous situation of his alleged banned album cover. I mean let’s be honest, the picture (apparently some piece of art Kanye liked and probably bought for way more than it was worth) is fugly anyways, yet this, somehow, is an issue that is suppose to add to the “I Love/Hate Kanye” movement. And funny thing is, it’s working.

          So, I’m sitting in front of the television, 7pm central standard time, completely expecting a “film” that exhibits all the eclectic, pricey sagaciousness that is Mr. West. First scene, the Louis Vitton Don is running frantically down a wooded back road. Open white button down, black slacks, and probably a pair of $12,000 shoes that aren’t fit for running. Cut to him driving in a Lambo down same road, minutes before an apparent comet (or meteor) crashes into his ride, leaving behind Selita Ebanks dressed like a hot chicken as road kill. Let the gratuitous esoteric visual journey begin.

          The rest is filled with random cuts of slo-mo explosions and pseudo artistic gibberish, not to mention a lot of hilarious moments in which the scene cuts to Kanye’s face for no apparent reason. To be honest, Kanye’s acting is pretty downright sad (as it probably should be, seeing as though he’s such a character already, becoming an open shell is probably an unattainable concept). His best non rapping moment is when he audibly copulates the chicken lady with his MPC2000 XL. On the other hand however, Selita Ebanks (Victoria Secret’s model and apparently ex-fiancée’ of Nick Cannon) actually does an amazing job in the role of the chicken lady. She captured the physical animation of her non earthly chicken character, all the way down to her gorgeous nervous ticks. I’m not sure what other roles she’s ever played (and don’t really care enough to go to IMDB to investigate), but purely based on what I saw of her in this short film (and believe me, we’re treated to seeing a decent portion of her) I would love to see her tackle a good script. Now I know what you’re going to say; “Keith, she’s suppose to be a phoenix”. That’s all fine and dandy, but my name’s Keith Evans, I’m a 33 year old African-American male and I definitely know a hot piece of chicken when I see it.

Besides the fact that I fully expected for Mr. West to completely over indulge his “artistic” vision with a lot of incomprehensible, inventive, and intense imagery, I was atleast looking for the self dubbed “short film” Runaway to actually depict some sort of illustration of the actual song Runaway. The reason I so love the song is because of it honest testimony from an asshole’s point of view. Now, yes, I do get that any self respecting asshole with wealth WOULD probably have a weekend love affair with a bird lady every now and again. I was just hoping for something more along the lines of film narrating music, or vice versa. Sometimes expecting Kanye to do one thing is a sure fire way to receive something completely contradictory.

Thanks to this film, there’s a few things I learned about Kanye that I didn’t know, but was not at all surprised to discover;

1. When Kanye hosts a dinner party, you are required to wear all white, the same color as his slaves that will serve you. Classic.
2. Much like my daughter, Kanye West is not a huge fan of socks. Now, I understand that there’s an entire fashion world out there that embraces the idea of not wearing dress socks with expensive Italian footwear, however, in the world I live in, it’s sweaty and gross.
3. If you are a bird, and you plan on dating Kanye West, do not be shocked if on your first date, he takes to a dinner and serves your mother as the main entrée. In his mind, that’s just your fault for being a bird.
4. The only news Kanye watches is foreign news.
5. Kanye owns 3 pets (besides his chicken head girlfriend) which are a rabbit, a fawn, and some kind of long tailed sheep hybrid created by the oil spill.
6. Kanye managed to put on a better Celebration of Life parade for Michael Jackson than the Staples Center or the city of Gary Indiana ever could. And his was just for the enjoyment of himself and his chicken lady.

All in all, it was artsy enough, weird enough, and conceited enough to be talked about until his
album is released. If the music that served as this “film’s” score was any indication of what the album will sound like, I’m in. If, at the very least, this short film inspires women to be the “sexy Chicken Lady” for Halloween, I’m definitely in.

INTERVIEW|Keith Evans

2010-10-12T21:55:00.002-07:00

In the spring of 2010, Digital Lizard’s own Keith Evans was incarcerated. Through written letters in envelopes stamped “INDIGENT MAIL” and sporadic 15 minute phone calls, DLP mastermind Michael Goodpaster has kept in touch with the actor, writer, musician, standup comedian, and loving father.

This interview was planned to be released on 10/5(Keith’s Birthday), but we did not take into account the rather slow mail process. Nevertheless, here are fifteen questions with Keith Evans about how jail life really is and what his plans are upon release.

1. Hear any good jokes lately?

Well actually there’s that one that almost every temporary bad ass tells. Something about all the pricey icey things they “own” (i.e. whips, rims, jewelry, flat screens) and all the “balling” they were doing in the streets, meanwhile they have $250 bonds they conveniently can’t afford to pay. Ha-Ha, get it? Me neither.

2. Is jail anything like you see in the movies or on TV?

Only in the way where most of the inmates here act like they wonder the same thing. In my opinion, jail is like 24 hour detention with every annoying ass clown you attended school with continuously acting out that short 15 seconds in Dangerous Minds right before Michelle Pfeiffer walks in for her first day… if that makes any sense. It’s really loud and theatrical also.

3. Is the common male fear of “dropping the soap” really something to worry about in LCJ?

It is, but from a totally different aspect. The jail is so filthy and dirty and the urban legend of MRSA is so rampant, there’s been times I dropped my soap and screamed “Noooo!!!” Otherwise, the showers aren’t locker room or bath house style so if someone wants to risk a staph infection in their own ass just to jump inside a one man shower and tap THIS…? By all means, it’s almost flattering.

4. Your choice: Favorite meal or be able to watch your favorite movie, which and what would that pick be?

Wow, so many pros & cons with both. I’d have to say movie, as long as the stips include a theater screen and Alanis Morrisette giving e that “cinematic blowjob” she’s bragged about all these years. I’d have to pick Almost Famous. I literally watched Fight Club two weeks ago and it’d be nice to feel emotions again.

5. Have you considered starting an all inmate football team to take on the guards like in “The Longest Yard”?

I was just talking about that, with the realization that till they put me in the hole, I was Chris Rock’s “care taker” character.

6. What is one fact about jail that would surprise those who have not been “in the clinker”?

There’s no black guy with dreads in a wheel chair narrating your every move.

7. In.gov tells us in their FAQ that it currently costs an average of $52.61 per DAY to keep an adult inmate incarcerated. How much has tax payers chipped into to keep you behind bars? How would you rather spend this money?

Let’s see, upon my October 18th release I will have served 132 days. So that’s $6,944.52. REALLY?!? Do you know much drugging and drunk driving I can do in one night…? Oh wait, so $6,944.52 times two is?

8. What Prince song is jail most like?

Since jail is shitty and the only thing I can equate from shitty and Prince is Graffiti Bridge, I’d have to say…………………………….

Read The Rest at DigitalLizardProductions.com!

Best/Worst Out Of 7

2010-10-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

(Composed: 10/04/10)

“I’ve got pride in the way I walk

I’ve got pride in the way I talk

I’ve got pride in the way I act

I’ve got pride, and that’s a fact”

-Lyrics to some alleged motivational song we were forced to sing at my 6th grade graduation.

Funny how I remember that song so vividly. So vividly that if I were to return to the now abandoned Banneker Elementary School, and stroll into its “cafetorium” (I love ill-advised, cross-bred words), I could point out the exact spot in which I stood as I sang it. Ever so vividly, that after my 3rd day of solitary confinement in “the hole”, (A result of more snitching and falsehoods aimed at myself by a group of 20 year old fuckbags, who, no doubt, harbor severe jealousy towards me for my intelligence, sarcastically humorous tones, and ability to manipulate the system to my liking while they fail horribly using their “gangland” approach), I find myself singing it loudly, as not to go crazy, ironically enough.

When a person is forced into solitude for a long period of time, it has a strange affect. It forces the person into a sort of odd journey of discovery about themselves. Some crack under the pressure, resulting in extreme deviant behavior like fling their own feces at the guards or using it as paint for their own graffiti. They scream a lot. They begin to conversate with themselves. The negative outlets are endless. Some simply shut down any and all social skills, ultimately retreating to the safe confines of reading material, some writing, artwork, or the like. All, however, are forced to do a lot of thinking and self evaluation. Though necessary in life, these acts of self reflection can be as damaging to your present as they are helpful to your future. I, personally, love this type of shit. Walk with me as I share my thoughts, theories, and half assed solutions with you.

Let’s go back to those care-free GINKru days. Specifically to the moment when we adopted the 7 Deadly Sin philosophy. For those unaware, GINKru was an extracurricular, after school group/hip hip group/crew of friends/wonderful clusterfuck founded back in 1992 by junior high class mates Emas Bennet, Mark Harris, Morry Davis, Larry Dowell, and myself. Like any group of schoolmates during their pubescent years, there evolved plenty of “Gossip Girl” or “90210” moments. New members acquired, others lost, the brand itself continues. During our high school years, our then 7 man squad latched on to the 7 Deadly Sins concept. It was an almost automatic fit (for at least 5 of us.) and to be quite honest, very Wu-Tang at the time. I, obviously, was dubbed Pride, unaware how much this would escalate my already proud nature. If I were to write a press junket today, it’d be “boy band laughable” at best. Mark (Lust) loved the ladies. Larry (Angry/Wrath), the menacing emcee. Morry (Greed) the money loving, self proclaimed “Jew” (go figure), so on and so forth. As for myself: shit talking, ego-centric, bradadocious, loud and proud was my demeanor. This all stemmed from a childhood that rollercoastered from intense grammar school popularity to eye awaking unpopularity in middle school. Stir it all together, and by the time high school came, I was begging to be not liked just for the opportunity to response “Fuck You”. The eventually became my ultimate basis for being, till this day.

Despite me not necessarily fitting the physical mode of success and luxury, pride has gotten me in a lot of grand situations. Pride allows me to take the things I AM good at (wit, humor, intellect, social skills, debate, and musicality), amplify them, and present it with a confidence that most have no choice but to submit to. If I believed in the world “swagger”, I might have to say I had a healthy amount. It is pride however, not swagger, that has gotten me jobs I not normally should have had, women that normally should have been “out of my league”, entrance into places and social circles I should normally not be in, and escapes from ass whippings that normally should have been administered without question. It is pride that fuels my music, my acting, my cunalingus, and this blog. It is pride that has allotted me certain opportunities. It is pride that’s sprinkled small tastes of the “Fame Monster” lifestyle on my taste buds, causing my appetite for a more consistent and bountiful diet.

It is also pride that has destroyed certain opportunities. Pride has, often enough made it impossible for me to reciprocate love, the way society dictates that one should. Price has cut short many a blossoming and healthy relationship, both romantic and platonic. Pride has put me in the center of volatile situations, only allowing me to fight, bite, claw, and kick my way out. It’s because of pride that I have hurt the loved ones around me and alienated myself. Pride has made me an asshole and it’s because of that pride that I am strangely proud to……………………………

Read The Rest at DigitalLizardProductions.com!

“I Miss You”

2010-10-12T21:54:00.003-07:00

(Composed: 09/29/10)

I’m generally not a person who participates in the act of “missing” shit. I do have fits of missing certain things and people at times, but I’m mostly a person of adaptation when it comes to my surroundings. Add to that fact that when I do “miss” something or someone, I don’t bitch about it, choosing not to inflate the feeling anymore than needed.

With that said, here is a list of things I drastically miss while during my 132 day vay-cay at Le Chateau De Lake County Jail; (in no particular order)

1. My daughter Kay J

2. Good humor

3. The freedom to masturbate when I want

4. Decent food in general

5. Female skin

6. Female scent(even the fishy kind)

7. Watching The Office in a peaceful environment.

8. Nachos

9. Alcohol

10. Scratching my nuts without the fear of some hood motherfucker thinking I’m “jacking off”.

11. Facebook

12. Felica Baron

13. Music

14. “Creative” meetings for DLP “business”

15. Second City

16. Showering with a loofah

17. Drinking clean water

18. Regular changes of clothes

19. Cigarettes

20. Not sleeping among snitches

21. Watching/Bitching about the Kardashians

22. Sydney Chapman

23. My apartment

24. Wrestling

25. Hanging out with my friends

26. Cursing/Pissing off my enemies………………

Read The Rest at DigitalLizardProductions.com!

“There Is Something About Amy”

2010-10-12T21:54:00.001-07:00

(Composed: 09/20/10)

Red flags. I’ve gotta be honest, I haven’t been very good with them as of late. In “as of late” I mean roughly within the past 5 years. You see, prior to 2005, you probably could’ve labeled me the Red Flag King, almost to the point where most people I thought I was just some paranoid freak. In hindsight though, I avoided a lot of problems and kept everything from drifting out of my immediate peaceful control.

Meanwhile, as I sit here in LCJ, I’m provided with lots of “thinking time”. This is no good for a person of my intellect. Amongst other things, I tend to dwell on issues I’ve not been able to solve. One of these issues is the demise and downfall of my relationship with my child’s mother. Now, this is less of a “pining” over type of thing and more of a “this is going to eat at me if I don’t figure this out” type of thing. It’s been so confusing because of the blatantly instant connection we shared from day one. In other words, upon out first meeting, Ms. Woerpel and I were to humor and good times what Edward and Bella were to self loathing and heroin-esque moodiness, soul mates.

Inseparable, impenetrateable, and completely bullshit proof is what we were. There was no possible way this fun loving, no worries, sweet heart could ever morph into vindictive, easily angered bitch. Now, slow down. None of these words are meant to be harmful. Before Amy, I only dated bitches. I love them. As a certified asshole, a bitch is merely my natural female counterpart. What I am against is sudden change. I like ice cream AND chicken. Not a big fan when ice cream all of sudden starts to taste like chicken though. With that being said, when you’re under the impression you’re in a relationship with that fun and witty Cameron Diaz character, then you wake up and she’s turned into your cliché’ reality show female villain, it’s a bit unsettling.

Then I think, why did I not heed to the red flags, like the very first argument we had, resulting in a Mountain Dew can being thrown at...........

Read The Rest at DigitalLizardProductions.com!

"Oh Sweet Engelica"

2010-09-22T22:25:00.001-07:00

(Composed: 09/13/10)

During my unfortunate stay at Le Chateau De Lake County, I met a girl. Not just any girl, but a lady of enchanting allure. A woman who, just with one strike glare, would stir up so many emotions, your heart would change climates in an instant. Her name? Engelica Castillo. Yeah, you heard me, Engelica Castillo, or as we here in LCJ call her, The “Baby Killer”.

For those who aren’t in the know, last summer, there was a story about an adorable 3 year old infant child named Jada Justice who came up “missing” from a gas station. While her cousin slash babysitter popped inside to quickly purchase some milk and cigarettes. Mostly everyone’s immediate reaction was to question why said babysitter would leave a 3 year old in the car alone in the first place, including myself. I say this because I myself, once or twice, have left my own adorable infant strapped in her seat, at even younger ages, however only in the circumstances that my car was parked right by the door, my doors were locked, it wasn’t summer, and I was only going to the counter, therefore her only being no farther than 5 to 6 feet away and in plain sight for a maximum of 60 seconds. Now with the milk being in the back of EVERY gas station I’ve been to, and purchasing milk AND cigarettes being about a minimum 3 minute process, also considering that a 3 year old is so much easier and far more capable of being brought into a story via their own feet, I should no longer have to argue my point.

There was an immediate amber alert. People of all walks of life within the “region” were doing all they could to send out word of this “missing” child. Social networks flashed with posts of the life info there was. Newspapers updated constantly and daily with not much changing developments. I even strolled to the corner store and was greeted by a woman passing out pictures and contact info of the little one. I, myself, even saw fit to take a picture with my phone and CC it to everyone in my contact list. Every little bit helps right? Well, no, not when said cutie pie is already dead.

You see, comes to find out little Jada’s cousin/babysitter aka Engelica Castillo had a bit of a heroin habit, one she shared with her boyfriend, Timothy Tkachik. Comes to find out, babysitting, and heroin, worse yet babysitting and lack of heroin don’t mix. So, while the innocent little angel was trapped in the custody of her inevitably dope sick (shakes fist) watchers, acting like any 3 year old would, this behavior was apparently too much for the dynamic duo. After a bit of abuse, the two set out, to feed their jones no less, towards Chicago, taking little miss sunshine along. Somehow, on the way, choking a child to literal death was on the agenda. Being the very beacons of safety and awareness, Ms. Castillo and her suitor do the only responsibly thing they can muster up in their doped out brains. Rather than taking the lifeless baby corpse to say, I don’t know, the hospital, or even the authorities, they drive back towards Indiana, switch vehicles (yeah, that means leaving said dead child in prior vehicle), and head back towards Chicago to score some sweet lady H. God forbid you show up to the West Side of Chicago to cop some heroin with a DEAD BABY in your back seat, right? I mean what would Jennifer Hudson say?

~NOTE~ I realize that my tone in telling this story is severely blunt and forthcoming, almost to the point of cruelty. This is merely how I think, and if my vicious tone is the small spark that deters any junkie from killing a baby or even just quitting heroin by reading this and feeling like a piece of shit, so be it. ~END NOTE~

Apparently, upon their return Lois Lame and Super scum try to cremate the……………………………………

Read The Rest at DigitalLizardProductions.com!

Not Down With The Sickness

2010-09-22T01:01:00.000-07:00

(Composed: 09/08/10)

Let’s just start this off with a fact. There’s only a select few things I’m annoyed by. Hypocrisy, poverty, bad attitudes, animal rights, children with made up diseases, the show Monk, Bears fans, the stigma behind the number 13, girls with no sense of direction, Burger King, Hessville Indiana, gauged piercings without jewelry, Nickelback, men’s softball, anti cigarette commercials, high pitched sneezes, Xbox’s, divorce, midgets, and a host of other things. However, as of late, there’s been this one thing that has really bothered me, almost to the point of murderous contemplations… being in the presence of dope sick individuals. I mean seriously, what the fuck?

Picture this, you’re just to the point, during your incarcerated vay-cay, where it doesn’t take you trading your meals for somebody’s Neurotin prescription to fall asleep. As you start to doze off, suddenly your bunk is in total toss and turn/vibrate mode. What the fuck? A rain of moist, germy particles of the “unknown” start to mist from above after continuous sneezing. What the fuck?!? Some kind of grumbling commentary erupts, pretty much a bunch of whiny complaints, not loud, yet loud and bitchified enough to keep you awake. What the fuck?!? Your “Bunkie” keeps climbing down from above you, gagging as if he’s gonna hurt all over the place, pacing back and forth, wrapped in his blanket, in straight shiver mode, begging to make conversation with you; “Hey, you up?” “Sorry man, I can’t sleep.” “Are you cold?” “Do you have any sweets?” What the fuck?!?

I barely have sympathy and compassion for regular, full functioning human beings, let alone some dope sick................

Read The Rest at DigitalLizardProductions.com!

Drag Me To Jail

2010-09-13T13:48:00.001-07:00

Greetings & Salutations from the clinker. Yes, I’m still in jail. Lake County has seen fit to deny me any kind of modification, therefore keeping me hostage until October 18th, 2010. Apparently my real judge deems it necessary to be “unattainable”, once again leaving all decisions to the magistrate judge. Am I saying Judge Moss would’ve approved what Magistrate Judge Belziski denied? Definitely. Hell, if Moss was actually there for my “probation revocation” I wouldn’t even be here, but I digress.

After being transferred to the “Trustee” section of the main jail for 2 specific reasons; a) Some f*ckface chump stain sent word to the Work Release officers that he felt threatened by me (Hilarious!) and b.) A prolonged wait for my modification hearing, I’ve realized why people with my level of intelligence, wit, and common sense aren’t very well received under these conditions. Unfortunately my ability to use these things for evil (aka manipulation, belittling, and chaos) is all I have for “self-pleasure”, so to speak. No one writes, with the exception of the 3 pieces of, dare I label, fan mail (It’s weird to say that, though even one of them confirms that’s what they are, Thanks MorbidMark J.). Be that as it may, no continuances of personal correspondence, though, it’s fair to say, I’m way used to that at this point, for when I go to jail, I’m generally dead to so called “loved ones”.
Read The Rest at DigitalLizardProductions.com!

Decisions, Decisons: The King Escapes Hell

2010-07-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying that I am not a HUGE fan of LeBron James. Do I Like the "King" better than Kobe? Fuck yes!!! Truth be told, I'm a bigger Dwyane Wade fan than Kobe OR James. Was I enthralled by the hoopla of the "decision"? Sure, why not? But after waking up the morning after the most exaggerated and publicized NBA "decision" I've ever witnessed, it's the words of Cleveland Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert (for here on out known as Fuck Boy) that has got me in a tizzy. Fuck Boy's public response to LeBron's "decision" to go to the Miami Heat was one of the most ridiculous things I've heard since Joe Jackson's completely clueless denial of the mere possibility that his son MJ could've been gay. What's so damned "disloyal" about James going to another team after 7 wasted seasons in Cleveland? If that's the case, damn near every player who’s played for 2 or more teams should be labeled as such, right? I don't remember anyone shitting on KG for wanting out of Minnesota. I want to even say he was encouraged by the masses. Hell, how "disloyal" were Deon Sanders or Bo Jackson? They played for not only multiple teams, but multiple sporting leagues. Sometimes, opting to cut seasons short of one to tend to the other.

I'm a big advocate of sticking with one team your entire career, but that notion hasn't existed since the 90's, if that. The great NBA god, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, even played for the Wizards. Oh, you're so right Fuck Boy. LeBron committed such a "cowardly" act by choosing to play in Miami, FL instead of Cleveland, OH. Cleveland Ohio, birthplace of such significant artistry and prestige like the classic “East 1999 Eternal” album by Bone Thugs-N -Harmony, and, uhm..., wait, give me second. Oh yeah, that's right, NOTHING FUCKING ELSE! The entire state of Ohio is a lint trap, and that's coming from a resident of neighboring region of scum, Indiana. Simply put, Ohio sucks major AIDS. So you're right Fuck Boy, what an awful thing for James to "desert" a craptastic city Cleveland, just to play basketball in a city full of vagina and sunshine.... Read The Rest at DigitalLizardProductions.com!

I Fought The Law And The Law Won

2010-07-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

It’s pretty much a peaceful, fair weathered late afternoon. I’m travelling to Northwest Indiana’s beloved county seat, Crown Point, for what was described to me as a “routine visit” to the probation officer. On the way, as I fiddle with the tuner button on the radio, a goddamn Akon song seeps thru the speakers Before I can change the station, he’s able to bellow out his signature “Convict Music” intro (Red Flag #1).

Upon arriving into the CP city limits, after talking to the mother of my child on the phone (Red Flag #2), I get a call from a friend, asking if I wanna go to a Sox game (aka 1st abandoned chance at escape). I decline, cuz like a good boy, I need to see my probation officer. I park and enter the court building, following in such footsteps as Johnny Depp, John Dillinger, and probably 800 alcohol abusers named John. I walk into the clerk’s office, give my name, to which everyone looks at me as if we’re in that scene in Blow when they’re playing cards and George Young discusses the proverbial “one last pickup” before he exits the drug game to be a dad to his daughter. Again, I resemble Johnny Depp.

With her head bowed, the lady asks me to skip the court room and have a seat. Everyone else is waiting in the lobby (Red Flag #3). I gotta pee, but I wait (aka 2nd abandoned chance at escape). I can see the CP cops pull up, not park. They only do this for two reasons, to be an inmate to court or to take a civilian to jail. I subconsciously smell a set up. Apparently, I have a bench warrant from a court (Merrillville) that, according to my lawyer, had been dismissed. A warrant that my probation officer could’ve easily informed me of when she called me a week prior to scheduling this small town “sting” operation. A warrant that, had I been told, could’ve been fixed with a visit to Merrillville court. Nevertheless, I’m arrested and the next few actions are as follows…

1. The next morning I go to court (Lake County), I’m sentenced to a year, do six months, minus the two months I did when I actually committed the crime, which makes four months, which is October 18th.

2. After a parade of begging, I’m granted to at least be placed in a work release (a process where I can work at my job then go back to jail every night).

3. A week later, I go to Merrillville court. My “dismissed” case can’t be dismissed until my lawyer returns from his Greece vacation. I pray he is ass raped on the way back.

Meanwhile, as I sit in my brand new, 10 square foot apartment, complete with cement and stain filled steel décor, so much is happening on the outs. This very blog you are reading is starting to pick up major steam (which for I thank you so much). The DigitalLizardProductions.com website is in a fuller effect than ever. On a downside, I completely missed the massive comedy festival in Chicago (Sorry Beena and Aziz). The mover of my child is acting like…, well… the mother of a child whose dad went to jail. On one hand, I get it, however, it is discouraging when I’m constantly encountering felons with heavily committed/supportive “baby’s mommas” regardless of the mistreatments and beatings these chicks receive. I’m surely no Ward Cleaver of Heathcliff Huxtable, but I’m far from a Scott Peterson or Joe Jackson.

I was told to “stop chasing this comedy shit”, which I’d have to say, was well worded, because had she worded it “stop chasing your dreams”, then she wouldn’t be able to justify her statement to anyone. Well played. Let it be known, I won’t stop chasing shit I believe in. In my mind, teaching my daughter to stop chasing what she wants would make me as bad of an influence as beating the shit out of her from my Appleton, WI cabin (hint, hint). My daughter should be taught that if you want something, faith, persistence, commitment, and hard work will buy it for you. Hell, that’s how my daughter’s mom got in my pants in the first place.

Ragen For Gary plus Random Thoughts

2010-05-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, I know. . . .

Fairly treacherous week. . . .

Funny thing is, I had 3 instances that kind of screwed me in the head a little, eh, make that a lot. . . .

1. Somebody whom I have a child with acted as if I was stalking her. First of all, Keith Evans doesn't stalk anyone, not even corn. Shit, I barely show that much concern for people I'm actually "with", let alone, wasting my fucking time to "stalk" her. Apparently, stopping by to see my child randomly is not on the menu for decent parenting I guess. And though she apologized, I can't get the sound of her ridiculous accusation out of my ear. Word to the public; STALKING IS BENEATH ME! I am not a woman. I have better things to do. This is the last I'll say about this situation

2. Some chic basically tried to explain to me that as much as I claim that she's dramatic and ignorant, the truth is that I'm dramatic. Now apparently this is based on the fact that I get worked up when she gets unnecessarily dramatic, weird, uncharacteristically standoff-ish, and/or says things that have no basic element of intelligence. Anyone who knows me knows that I despise dumb ass shit. I tried very hard (and still trying) to hold on to the recently revamped "Nice Keith" and simply said I would just shut up and ignore it when I feel like she's bombarding me with her "girl" like behavior. Perhaps me even mentioning this now is in direct violation of my "solution". . . . well, this isn't even to her, it's to everyone else. Do you remember the term "Don't start none, won't be none"? I do. I damn near live my entire life by it. With that being said, I think it's safe to assume that according to that formula, if one starts some, there will be some. It's basic math. This is the last I'll say about THIS situation.

3. An individual I hold dear and close to my heart kind of just vanished from my existence. Ironically enough, it happened precisely after I expressed something that I probably should've just kept to myself. This hurts my heart, slightly on the same level May 17th hurts my heart. (side note, as I started that last sentence, Open Arms by Journey started to play on my media player. . .I hate poetic moments) I don't necessarily regret saying what I said, because it was the truth, and I feel like I've held that in for a little bit too long. I do, however, feel like maybe I "fucked" up. I rarely feel that way, for those who know me. This will probably NOT be the last I'll say about THIS situation.

No matter what "Keith" I am, it seems to never be enough, or in other situations, too much. So is the life for someone who is kind of "the shit".

I digress. . . . . .

RAGEN For Gary

Picture this.

1983. I'm 5 years old. After having a bunch of adults stare at me for weeks while I amaze them with my Professor X like intellect, thus granting me a spot in the mutant academy they call the Gifted and Talented Program, I enter my first day of kindergarten. School would eventually be my chosen battlefield for tomfoolery and pre-pubescent "chicken hawking".

I distinctly remember the first 2 "chickens" I met. Angela Pool and Ragen Hatcher.

Angela Pool, who now, is just as hot, if not hotter than I personally thought she was in high school, was the mean girl. Intimidatingly tall, and face full of menacing cynicism.

But alas, she was not the leader of the two.

The leader? A light skinned, skinny girl with HUGE, almost handicap like glasses named Ragen Hatcher.

We eventually became friends through out our elementary years.

Random childhood memory; I got a report card, you know, one of those paper mache' thin colored ones with the S's and the R's. In the comment section, one of my teachers literally wrote "Keith is a great child, however he is not reaching his full potential. Spends too much time talking to Ragen Hatcher".

In grammar school society, we were slightly on the same level. Her dad was the Mayor of Gary. My mom was the vice president of the PTA. I won't even get started on the perks. . . . . . .

Fast forward to high school. Due to my own personal views of life at that point, and my ever running mouth, I wasn't as well liked as when I was king of Banneker school.

Ragen, however, was nestled nicely in the "elite". I wouldn't label her a "Heather" or anything. Let's just say she had a certain swagger (ew, I just used that word) about her that generally only dudes rocked. I'm not at all saying she was a lesbian. Far from it actually. There was something sexy as hell about a cute, light skinned girl, with no use for a weave, dressed like Allen Iverson everyday.

If I remember correctly, Ragen didn't like me too much in high school. But in her defense, I was kind of a pest. I was pretty much a younger version of me now, sans the clever banter and witty retorts.

Fast forward to now. After multiple degrees, becoming a lawyer for the Gary Community School Corp., and a member of the Gary Common Council, Ragen Hatcher is running for Mayor of Gary. . . . .

. . . .uhm, wait, sorry let me rephrase. . . .

Ragen Hatcher is "looking to see if running for Mayor is a viable option".

For those who were not in the G/T program, that means she's running for Mayor.

When I went the Ragen For Gary Meet & Greet, it was pretty fucking surreal.

Here I am, at the Barbara Leek Wesson Center, approximately 17 years after I received my first blow job ever in the parking lot of this very building. Ah the memories.

In walks mayoral hopeful Ragen Hatcher.

Her corn rows replaced with long and bouncy strands of what, I can only assume, is the result of wearing corn rows all your life. Her baby blue North Carolina garb, now replaced with a very "political" Hillary Clinton pants suit. Her body, still amazingly "high school" thin after birthing three children. If I were a girl, I would be inclined to hate on her, but alas, I lost my vagina in the War on Terrorism.

She sees me, and immediately acknowledges my existence. I swoon, but opt to play it cool. then I realize something. She's a politician, and we all know politicians give you same kind of attention strippers give you. The fact that Ragen is a woman makes this even more awkward.

She lightly scolds me about my smoking habits.  I consider this slightly hypocritical seeing as she was sporting an Obama bumper sticker when she pulled in. There's 3 things I do that can be considered presidential; owning a Blackberry, being a well spoken black guy adored by whites worldwide, and smoking Newports.

There was a moment, when she noticed I was in attendance, that she said to Qiana Kimbrough-Valentine "Did you see Keith Evans?". Qiana did not speak. Must've read the Facebook edition of my blog.

My favorite Ragen Hatcher friend, Erica Ross (Qualls), was also there. I'm a big fan of people who don't lose their sense of humor when they grow up. Erica For Gary!!!! Oh wait, sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I very much appreciated that Ragen just talked like a 31 year old version of the girl I knew from school. What was actually weird, but good I suppose, is that I felt that she was more in "political mode" during her individual conversations. When she spoke, it was more down to earth and surprisingly "bullshit" free. Granted that could change, it was a nice breath of fresh air.

It seems that the 4 Main Issues Of Interests of Ragen's "would be" campaign are;
1.) Public Safety
2.) Community Development
3.) Economic Development
4.) Education

4 things I believe anybody who resides in, has ever lived in, or is even aware of Gary, Indiana, would agree with.

Her method of approach seemed to present the message that the politics practiced by the "current administration (or as a friend of mine labels him "Chops") are no longer effective.

For those who were NOT in the G/T Program, that means that Rudy Clay's leadership is about as efficacious and fruitful as his Huggy Bear demeanor. I mean, let's be real, sometimes, I look at pictures of Rudy Clay and I feel like I might've fell out a time machine.

Mrs. Hatcher-(insert married name here, I don't keep up with that shit) appeared focused, honest (as far as politicians go) and clearly prepared for any questions thrown her way.

Someone asked the whereabouts of 25 million dollars that was suppose to be given to the city from HUD. Hatcher's summarized response was that the city inevitably lost the money to Cleveland, Ohio due to Gary's current "lack of leadership. To this, I silently resolved that in such a case, Gary should get LeBron for a year.

In what I assess as an obvious sign of leadership, at a certain point, a woman began to rant, ending her harangue with the statement "I believe Ragen Hatcher should be and WILL be our mayor."  Before this woman could finish this statement, Ragen started her own eventual applause. Now THAT'S a leader.

In what I assess as a "bad decision", during her explanation of examples of cities that have dug themselves from ashes of their own fall, Ragen made a reference to Newark, New Jersey. To this, I silently imagined a Gary version of the reality show Jersey Shore. I wouldn't even want to meet THAT Snooki.

I stand by my theory that George W. Bush's biggest advantage in his campaign was obviously the fact that his father was President. I also stand by my theory that Barack Obama's biggest advantage in HIS campaign was that the majority were simply fed up with and jaded by the (at that time) current administration.  I ultimately stand by my theory that those two factors are what will inevitably be the biggest advantages to Ragen's campaign. I mean, we can say that Hatcher would become mayor based on the issues, which I believe she would also have the edge in as well, but let's be totally honest, it's gonna come down to the voter's thought of familiarity with the name Hatcher AND the fact that Rudy Clay pretty much sucks ass.

Just like I could say that I would vote for Ragen because of her stance on this or her views on that, when fundamentally, I would vote for Ragen because she is Ragen Hatcher and that's my homie.

. . . oh, speaking of women in power. . . . .

Stacey Dash

Stacey Lauretta Dash was born in 1966, which means she is 44 years old. Wait, I don't think you get it. . . .

This is 44 year old Stacey Dash. . . . .

You remember Clueless. Hell, you remember Mo' Money. No, I'll do you one better, . . . I remember Illegal In Blue. . . . . . . . .

Stacey Dash (in "Illegal in Blue") - Watch today’s top amazing videos here

I remember this Bronx bombshell causing me alot of "sleepless" nights my junior year in high school.

Stacey was definitely one of the Fresh Prince's hottest "all-star cameo" girlfriends, hands down. Stacey is probably still the hottest 28 year old chic ever to play one of the hottest high school chics in a movie ever.

4 years ago, at the tender age of 40, Dash out shined a very large percentage of the 20 somethings that have posed for Playboy by posing herself. Most women could only slit their own wrists to the idea that they could look at 25 how Stacey looks at 44.

If you asked me what female celebrities I'd suspect owned a vial of water from the Fountain of Youth, I can think of 2 people off the top of my head. Diane Lane (anybody who knows me knows I LOOOOVE some Diane Lane) and Stacey Dash. This (and the fact that my bestest of female friends nominated her) is why Stacey Dash is this edition's Vagina Hero, enjoy. . . . .

Some Video Love

2010-05-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

What's goin' down clowns?

I was doing some internet strolling, and I came across a couple videos that brought a chuckle to my heart, Enjoy. . . . .

When Lady Ga Ga came out, I was immediately a fan. Anybody who's read my last 2009 blog, "Countdown to 2010" knows my opinion that she got uglier the more popular she got. Not that Lady GaGa is unattractive, she's just ugl, you know? I would often say to people that she was an ugly Christina Aguilera. Then I would often say that her or Britney Spears should've thought of the Ga Ga gimmick first, particularly Aguilera, whom, like Ga Ga, can actually sing, and it would've been an interesting evolution from that "dirty" Xtina phase, instead of damn near disappearing. Apparently, Christina has my day dreams hooked up to a DVR, but waits way too late to catch up on her episodes. Meet Lady Ga-Gaguilera, which, as I said before, would be semi acceptable, had Lady Ga Ga wrote all her songs, and didn't do it 2 years prior. . . . . . . .

A few days ago, a friend of mine, a slight insider in the know of all things black, high class, NBA, southern, and ghetto-fabulous, informed me of the reason LeBron choked asshole against the Boston Celtics. If you are unaware of this reason, feel free to click these links. For the short and sweet version, Delonte West (the tattooed, albino shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers) has been thrusting his albino penis inside of his teammate's (King James) momma. I know, classic right? It takes me back to my high school days, and makes me wonder if Ashanti Miller ever boned Ms. Styles. But I digress.
Anyways, yeah, that's the story going around. Gloria James getting her vag scored on, not the Darius Styles thing. After some Googling of the issued, I wandered into this video, which now makes me question if Powder, er, I mean Delonte actually fucked LeBron first, with apples being known not to fall far from trees and all. . . . . . . . .

Hope you enjoyed that. If not, you ain't smokin' right. . . . .

stay tuned (specifically you Regionites) for the Ragen For Gary series. First installment, tomorrow night.

nuff Said

2010-05-15T06:21:00.001-07:00

Whuttup Gary, Indiana!!!!!
On my way to the Ragen Hatcher Meet & Greet. The "Ragen For Gary" series is coming soon. Let's see where this takes me.
Nuff Said

For The Love Of FaceBook: A Parody

2010-05-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

Last week on For The Love Of Facebook;
James "Vizion" Haley: Hey guys, I'm drunk, I think I'll go to church.

Janis Serrano: That's SICK. Why would you go to church drunk? I got 12 kids, I hate them all and I'm getting my PHD!

Melissa Stewart: I'm going to Paris.

Lauren Nuzzo: I'm pregnant!

Qiana Kimbrough-Valentine: Vote for Ragen for the mayor of Gary!!!!!

Sabreena Osborne Sabreena found some treasured golden mystery eggs to share with her friends.

Tiffany Smith: I need a stiff one.

Host: Charles Barnes, you are NOT here for the love of Facebook, please remove your connection and return to Myspace.

Charles Barnes: Wack raps ya'll!!!!!!

{pause for dramatic purposes)

Host: Welcome, once again, to For The Love Of Facebook. I am your host No Name, and this week, we plan on shaking things up a bit. Unfortunately, last week, we had to send Charles Barnes back to Myspace and. . . .

Melissa Stewart: (interrupting) . . .Myspace? Is that in Paris? You know, I'm going to Paris. Go Hawks!!!!

James Vizion Haley: (drunk) Uhm, wait a minute, this ain't no church.

Sabreena Osborne Sabreena has built a church on her Farmville.

James Vizion Haley: like

Host: Anyways, this week's challenge is simple, or so it may seem. Your goal? Let Facebook King: Keith Evans update his status without any interference or negative comments. This challenge is to be tooken seriously.

Melissa Stewart: Tooken is NOT a word, atleast not in Paris. God I'm so pretty and smart and successful.

Tiffany Smith: God dammit Melissa, you best watch yo shit. I ain't had a stiff one in about 3 days. You don't wanna piss a sistah off right now.

Qiana Kimbrough-Valentine: A vote for Ragen means a vote for all the stiff ones you can handle.

Lauren Nuzzo: Oy, a stiff one only leads to one thing, gettin pregnant.

Melissa Stewart: Did you know pregnancy is illegal in Paris, a city in France, one in which I'm moving to?

Host: Alrighty then, you guys are dismissed.

Back at Facebook Mountain. . . . . .

Tiffany Smith: Ok, so all we gotta do is let that punk motherfucker Keith say what he wants and we're good right?

Janis Serrano: Well yeah, but he's so, so sick. He's disgusting, and you know me. I can't keep my mouth shut about anything.

Lauren Nuzzo: I'm pregnant.

Janis Serrano: So what?!?!?!? I got 17 kids AND I work 4 jobs, AND I go to school full time at Harvard.

Tiffany Smith: Come on bitches, we are the strongest alliance in this motherfucker. We gots to stick together. All we have to do is just NOT respond to Keith's post, that's it. Hell, we can all just find something else to do until eliminations and we straight. I'm gonna go find me a stiff one.

Lauren Nuzzo: It'll only lead to pregnancy.

Janis Serrano: No, she's right. Just keep busy. I'm got 7 finals today anyways. After that, who knows, maybe I'll beat the hell outta one of my 19 kids, shiiiit, 6 of them ain't working anyways.

Meanwhile, at the computer lab. . . . .

James Vizion Haley: Seriously though, nigga feelin thirsty AND religious as all hell. Somebody bring me my Hennessy and Bible!

Melissa Stewart: Using the "n" word is NOT cool James. The "n" word doesn't even exist in Paris, the city in which I am moving.

Qiana Kimbrough-Valentine: She's right Vizion. There are NO niggas in Paris. They all live in Gary, Indiana, a fine, majestic city where Queen Hatcher will rule most high, if I have anything to do with it, which I do.

Melissa Stewart: Gary, Indiana? How far is that from Paris, the city in which I will reside very soon?

James Vizion Haley: Girl you crazy! G.I. ain't nowhere near no Paris France.

Melissa Stewart: It's too bad really. I love Paris. Did you know they have they're own Sears Tower, but Sears in french is Eiffel? I can't wait to see the Eiffel Tower.

Sabreena Osborne Sabreena has built an Eiffel Tower on her Farmville for all her friends to enjoy.

Melissa Stewart likes this

Somewhere in a church. . .

Qiana Kimbrough-Valentine: (kneeling in prayer) Dear Lord, please bless me with the will and drive to make Ragen Hatcher Queen, er. . .I mean, Mayor of Gary. It is my only wish. Please forgive me of all my sins, like being part of a high school called Str8 Dawgin' and totally dissing Keith Evans in the 2nd grade after he paid my way to our Circus field trip.

(Suddenly, Qiana hears faint moaning in the back pews. She walks back there, only to be shocked by finding Vizion and Tiffany cuddled up together.)

James Vizion Haley: poke

Tiffany Smith: poke

James Vizion Haley: poke

Tiffany Smith: poke

Qiana Valentine-Kimbrough: What the HELL is going on?!?!?!?! Vizion, we did NOT form an alliance just so you can go poking people from another tribe.

Tiffany Smith: I told ya'll I needed a stiff one

James Vizion Haley: What the fuck you mean what is going on? This is a church! I'm drunk! Duh!

James Vizion Haley and Tiffany Smith are now friends

(Suddenly, the rest of the participants enter the church in a hurry)

Janis Serrano: Oh My GOD! You guys are so sick!!!!!

Lauren Nuzzo: Are you guys pregnant?

Sabreena Osborne: Ew!
Sabreena has installed a condom machine in the church on her Farmville

Tiffany Smith: What can I say? I liked his status.

James Vizion Haley: She "liked my status" so I "wrote on her wall", so what?

Qiana Kimbrough-Valentine: See, this is the type of things Rudy Clay stands for, sex in churches and condoms on Farmville. If you don't want to end up fucked in a church, vote for Ragen Hatcher.

James Vizion Haley: Damn, nigga can't even fuck in front of the Lord?

Everyone Else: YOU ARE NOT A NIGGA!!!!!!!!

Melissa Stewart: Well duh, he didn't even try to take my Chanel purse, which by the way, was made in. . .

Everyone Else: PARIS!!!! We fucking know.

Melissa Stewart: (to herself) Dieu, je ne peux pas attendre à Paris. Allez Hawks!

At elimination. . . .

Host: 30 minutes has gone by since I issued your challenge. I see you all have kept yourselves "busy" enough to not interfere with Keith Evans' domination of Facebook, which is good. However, one of you must hand in your profile pic and leave Facebook forever. It's time for elimination.

{dramatic pause}

Host: There are 7 of you, but only 6 Facebook accounts. This first FB account goes to you Sabreena.

Sabreena Osborne likes this

Host: Next, Lauren Nuzzo, we thought about eliminating you, but we couldn't eliminate that adorable fetus of yours. Come on up and get your FB account.

Lauren Nuzzo likes this

Host: Tiffany Smith.

Tiffany Smith likes this

Host: Vizion.

James Vizion Haley and Tiffany Smith like this

Host: Qiana Valentine.

Qiana Kimbrough-Valentine: That's Qiana Kimbrough dash Valentine to you. Ragen Hatcher believes that no woman should have to throw away her last name just cuz of some bullshit called marriage. How will people you went to high school with know who you are? That's why a vote for Ragen is a vote for hyphenated last names.

Host: Uhm, ok. Melissa. Janis. Will you ladies please step forward? There are 2 of you, but only one FB account. Before I give the final results, can both of you give me reasons why you should stay?

Janis Serrano: What the fuck you mean? I got 46 kids that get on my last damn nerve. I got 11 M.B.A.'s, which in THIS economy means I have 11 pieces of lint in my god damned pocket. I go to school. Keith is fucking SICK!!!!!! Obviously I should stay.

Host: Ok. And Melissa?

Melissa Stewart: Stay? Stay here? Here in NotParisville? I'm far too gorgeous and smart and successful to be stuck on Facebook my entire life.

James Vizion Haley likes this

Melissa Stewart: I make people pretty like me for a living and that talent can only be manifested in a city like Paris, where everyone is beautiful. Stinky and stuck up? Sure. But beautiful. I don't care if I'm eliminated or not. Go Hawks!

Host: Ok. You both have made invalid and amusingly stupid ass points. The people have spoken. This last Facebook account goes to. . . . . . .

Who should get the FB account?

Comment your choice immediately and a winner will be determined tonight.

Michael Bay Raped Me: The Movie That Scared My Anus

2010-05-08T00:42:00.000-07:00

"Maybe I have just a younger voice than many other directors." - Michael Bay

Perhaps that explains his some sort of homo-erotic revenge scheme on one fo the greatest horror icons of all time.

You'll have to excuse me, I just saw Nightmare On Elm Street, the Michael Bay version, and I am traumatized.

As a small child, I recall, vividly, my memories of the phemomenom that was Freddy Krueger. I remember every Nightmare On Elm Street installment (including Freddy's Dead AND New Nightmare) as well as every bad dream I had after each one. I remember Freddy's clever wit and Batman villain-esque like one liners. I remember my first Freddy glove. I remember Renee Hardin letting me stimulate her clitoris with that very glove, years later, to ultimate success. I remember laughing off the utter ridiculousness of Freddy's Dead. I remember that to this day, I am still slightly un-nerved by Nightmare On Elm Street 2.

Freddy Krueger was a champion antagonist to most kids of my generation, black or white. Sure, within the story he was a child murderer, serial killer, and all around asshole, but simply put, he was a pop icon.

Not anymore. . . .

My problem is not particularly the film itself.

Apparently, Michael Bay, along with Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer, decided, in what seems like a terrible attempt to up Mr. Krueger's terror, to change him from awesomely snarky murderer to. . . . .

. . . drumroll please. . .

. . . pedophile. . .

A Goddamned pedophile.

Michael Bay just ruins my whole fucking childhood by replacing my beloved Fred with this creeptard Fredophile version.

This is not a knock to James Earl Hailey either. I feel that he played the part well, according to the script.

My issue is simply that my memory of Freddy being a badass, dream hopping smarty pantshas now been molested by this baby fiddler.

Now when I think back on famous Krueger qoutes, such as "You're all my children now" and "Wanna suck face?" I gotta be disgusted and pissed?

If and when I have my traditional, one time Elm St. movie nightmare, do I have to worry about Freddy fucking me in the ass?

Not cool. . . . .

******Spoiler Alert********* There's one point, when Nancy falls asleep, she wakes up in this bed, all decked out in the same kind of school girl dress that the creepy little chics wore in the originals. Apparently, Nancy was formerly one of those girls in real life, back when Freddy was scamming kid tail. She lays there, he shows up, and at some point, starts tracing his his finger blade down her neck, around her chest/breast towards her belly button and eventually to God knows where. All this as he recites a classic line from the original "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy".

Really?

Fucking ewww. . . . .

What next?

In the Smurfs remake, we find out that PaPa Smurf is some weird, sex crazed, bi sexual scientologist cult leader.

Max Headroom was the first ever Neo-Nazi/Aryan internet prototype.

You see my point?

Now, when somebody dons the customary Freddy mask and metal clawed brown leather glove, they're just an asshole,. . . . . the skeevy kind, not the lovable Kanye kind.

When sex offenders get registered, they should just recieve government issued green and red striped sweaters, so we know who they are.

Total ruin. . . .

It's like I feel as if Freddy just got made to look like a total fuck nugget by the media.

Is this how Condoleeza Rice felt when she first saw Oliver Stone's "W."?

Speaking of people with vaginas. . . . . . . . . .

Yarah Bravo

You probably have no idea who she is. Neither did I. Somehow, I stumbled across her while searching through blogs that were suggested to me based on my interests.

She's a female hiphop emcee from Sweden (half Chilean/half Brazilan), and part of the hiphop group One Self includes Blu Rum 13 and (sadly her husband) Dj Vadim.

Her music is pretty retro hiphop, with that obvious european influence of retro-everything else, which you can check out HERE.

She's obviously talented and passionate about her craft, but for the sake of her Vagin Hero status, what impressed me about her is the fact that she's a female hiphop artist without all the Americanized over-sexing, and frankly, her physical appearance blows ANY hiphop chic outta the water. She easily has the prettiest smile in hiphop. People like Nicki Minaj, Lil' Kim, Lauryn Hill, Trina, Foxy Brown, and Eve look like low rent bust downs compared to her, her naturally gorgeous face, and her "not trying so hard" demeanor. Female emcees take note; this is how you become a Vagina Hero, Enjoy. . . . .

2010-05-03T15:21:00.001-07:00

I visited a retail clothing store called Denim. The workers were foreign, a combo of Serbian and Klingon. I heard two songs during my visit; a techno remix of Sweet Dreams and the Cupid Shuffle. Apparently I look like a "True Religion" type of "playa". I disagree. One says I look familiar, I disagree again. . . . to be continued

This Just In: An EFTH snippet

2010-05-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

Come hither; I will shew unto thee the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters.

-Bible (NewTestament)
Revelation17:1.

LMAO, I say that to say this, "Ciara is outta control!"

I think we've all come to realize the downfall of Ciara's career.

I know, I know, I too was qouted in 2004 in saying "Man, if i was a female stripper, my stripper song would TOTALLY be My Goodies."

Now that it's 2010, Ciara is way played, and of course everyone knows if i were a stripper NOW, I'd strip to a Justin Bieber song, . . . . what can I say, that fever's contagious.

The thing about Ciara NOW is that she is trying WAAAAAAAAY too hard to be some kind of Aaliyah/Beyonce hybrid, and while i do "appreciate" her attempts, it's just kinda funny how "serious" she is in her new video "Ride".

Of course there's the portion of me that's like DAAAAAAMN, but anyone who knows me knows that funny always prevails over sexual attraction with me. I could literally be 12 minutes into a total 3some with Trina and Sandra Bullock (what? that's no different than a Pondersosa Buffet) and if Trina mistakenly squeezes a fart out, they both can fucking leave and I'm telling that story for atleast a year straight.

My point?

Wait, . . . .what's a point?

My point is, Ciara is all over the place in this video, and the fucking video only has 1 location. I never thought I'd be THIS disinterested in coming so close to seeing Ciara's vagina. I can see the theory behind dumping the notion of boning Ciara to be Soulja Boy's hype man (Lil' Shout Out to Big Bow Wow).

Little Known Fact: If you want to ruin a song that probably won't get that much airplay anyway, just through Ludacris on it. . . . Enjoy and PLEASe share your thoughts, as long as they're dry. . . . .

Prejudices that don’t involve my skin. . .

2010-04-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

So, while randomly surfing the high tiding waves of that ocean called the Internet, I came across, . . . .well wait maybe that’s a poor choice of words, . . . I stumbled upon an interesting story regarding Ashley Graham.

Ashley Graham (pictured above) is a 22 year old, 5’9” plus size model from Brooklyn, NY who wears a size 16 dress, over flowing with 38D cleavage and works for Lane Bryant.

Apparently, Lane Bryant, America’s beloved clothing brand for the thick and squishy, are claiming the “pulling of the fat card”.

According to Lane Bryant, the ABC network pulled their brand new lingerie ad from Dancing With the Stars (terrible show BTW), not because it was too sexy, but because it did not encompass the so called “normal” beauty and sexiness of our culture. LB’s claim of, what I have labeled weigh-cism (Elmer Fudd euphemism), is based on the fact their feeling that their ad is no more “sexier” than any Victoria’s Secrets ad, past or present. See for yourself. . . . .

This splits me down the middle. On one hand, their perfectly right, it’s not. In fact, this chic is way less flaunty about her underwear video strut than most lingerie commercials I’ve seen. She’s pretty in the face, hefty in the waist, and honestly, who gives a shit. Her bang-ability factor doesn’t seem to suffer, and let’s face it, chics with huge tits and asses, regardless whether the rest of them are plus size or not, need bras more than anyone.

On the other hand, there’s a very minute part of the alleged ABC argument I agree with. LB states one of the many issues network execs had with the ad was the “amount” of cleavage shown. Now, think about it like this. As risqué as Victoria’s might be, it is sometimes hard pressed to be “shocked” by their cleavage, because frankly, sans the push up variety, skinny chics rarely sport MAJOR cleavage.

Now, am I against cleavage? Hell fucking no! Cleavage and nipples are the two best things about breasts, with source of milk being a distant, distant third. I’m even a big fan of the nasty and indecent, but I do know where I AM suppose to find it, and where I’m not.

Let’s use someone who is not considered plus size, curvy, BBW, or whatever other bullshit references this country can invent, as an example.

I would imagine that Jennifer Love-Hewitt is not considered plus size by any means. Nor is she a “skinny” girl, but for the sake of argument, we’ll put her in that category. As skinny, or as NOT plus size as she may be, it is fair to say that J-Love’s mammaries are as healthy and voluptuous as they come. I also believe it is fair to say that a network like ABC wouldn’t let Jennifer Love Hewitt prance around in a bra with such a risky cut.

With that being said, if that were ABC's only issue, then, fine whatever, clean up the cut a little bit, and move on. However that was only a small issue among many.

If the allegations are true, then a thousand jeers to ABC for being lame, prejudiced, and straight up oblivious to the demographic that actually sits on their "curvy" asses and watch their pathetic prime time programming.

Do I have an issue with the weight of women? Yes and no. Yes, in the sense, that I have issues with women who's bodies are just fucking gross, and that falls anywhere between. . .

This Skeleton and The blubber the skeleton used to have.

. . . .and let's all be the one thing we claim we are all the time, REAL. Precious is fucking fat, plain and simple. In fact, she truly IS all three of those characteristics, and nobody would've gave a fuck about her, had she not been fat, and theatrically raped. We don't really know if she deserved the Oscar nod or not, because frankly, Precious was her first role, and not that good of one. A fat black woman who's raped by her father is simply a role, or better yet, a notion that people in Hollywood was so shocked to see, that they flipped out and over exagerated everything about that movie.

Besides the obvious epitome of ewww however, I have been known to love many women of many different sizes. Simply put, with the exceptions of the extreme, weight does NOT matter. Weight is merely a trivial thing that just so happened to be manipulated by our aesthetic culture, and right now, the skinnies are in the lead with the popular vote. Hell, if more fat people were famous, I'm pretty sure the mindset of this country would be reversed and that guy who needs the roof removed from his home to go to the store would be victimized as the poor guy who's just trying to fit in with what he sees in CelluLight Magazine.

From a man's standpoint, when it comes down to choosing between boning a thin girl and boning a thick girl, I choose thick. There's something quite shallow and empty about a skinny girl's vagina, as compared to her thicker counterpart's plump and squishy inards.

Seriously though, it's all relative. Not allowing fat people to go about their lives the same as skinny people is ignorant and disgusting. It's not what's on the outside, body wise, that counts, but the outside of your face that is the most important thing.

SEGUE ALERT

Mexicans. Can't live with 'em, can't run the kitchen of a locally successful restuarant with efficiency without 'em.

With that being said, the fine state of Arizona has decided to pass a law in which they can pretty much ask Mexicans for their proverbial "freedom" papers.

Ah, Arizona, the same state who refused to recognize MLK Day until 1992.

Now, for all you intense hillbillies and Captain Americas, don't take this the wrong way. I am all for immigration reform in this country. I don't feel as if you should be able to just waltz into our oh so perfect country, pop a fucking squat, and just go about your business, tax free.

I do, however, feel as if it's extrememly unnecessary to pass a law which pretty much gives your local authorities the right to have you prove your right to be here. We all know the history of this country when it is ran like a country club. That moment when you give the police the right to profile, regardless the reason. It never pans out well.

Do recall the blacks?

How about all those middle easterns after 9/11?

It doesn't actually shock me that someone came up with this idea. What is amazing, is that this idea successfully traveled through the "proper" channels and arrived at it's destination without any of those clear and simple thoughts. . . .

"It's 2010. . . . A.D."

"As Governor, I am sure that this will go over extremely well with our black President, no question."

"We better get this passed, as I am sure my landscaping won't suffer from racist choices."

Ay dios mio!

Crazy moves like these only benefit Canada. It's like America is Michael Jackson and Canada is Prince. After all the bad decisions, pussy power plays, nationwide facelifts, and tampering of children (see the Catholic Church), Canada is the winner of the age old debate.

Christina Hendricks & Dania Ramirez

Christina Hendricks, somehow, shocked the world by being voted Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive. For whatever reason or the other, because she's not 105 lbs., the media has decided to treat this Mad Men bombshell like she was based on the novel Push by Sapphire. As if, by accepting these results, they're doing us a gracious favor. Fucking gay! Simply put, Hendricks is hot. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a sucker for red headed white women. Check. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not the biggest fan of breasts in general, but I do respect them. Christina's cleavage makes curing hunger in Africa seem oh so possible, and add to that the 90% chance that hers are real. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a big fan of the booty. Though I have no immediate proof of her Kardashian-esque backside, the few scenes I've witnessed of her walking around in her Joan Hollaway sexiness, I'm willing to put money on it, in it, and around it. Enjoy. . . . . . .

.....but wait

Anyone who knows me knows the my all time favorite celebrity hottie is Aaliyah. If Aaliyah somehow never boarded that death flight, and I slithered my way into her pants and life, making her my wife, THEN she boarded a plane and crashed to her inevitable death. . . . given the proper time for mourining and public appearances, Dania Ramirez would be a very equal substitute. I mean, GOD DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you seen this chic? She's like if Aaliyah and Stacy Dash had a baby. She has a picture that virtually epitomizes the term Vagina Hero. . . .

She's ridiculously hot, and I'm talking naturally hot, like "wake up in the morning, wipe the slob from your face and you're still hot" hot. You may have seen her in X-Men: Last Stand, or Heroes (X-Men: The Series), which has to make you wonder if her real life mutant power is hotness. Dania's full package, and Christina's pair of "full packages" is what makes them this week's co-Vagina Heroes. Enjoy...

Who would win in a fight: pirates or ninjas?

2010-04-21T01:18:00.003-07:00

ninjas, and not the gay ass juggalo kind neither, I'm talkin pure chink power

Ask me anything

Who would win in an MC Battle.... Andy Samberg or GDI?

2010-04-21T01:18:00.001-07:00

freestyle, maybe GDI, purely based on songs though? I'd have to say Andy Samberg, hands down

Ask me anything

No Class aka School During Any Season in Gary, IN

2010-04-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

*Note* This blog is sort of Gary, Indiana specific. . . so if you feel left out, then you probably are, but enjoy *Note*

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

...and you finish off as an orgasm.” - George Carlin

     Remember when understanding the Gary Community school structure was easy? When the tier of educational hierarchy was universal with the rest of the United States (Mormon communities and Amish villages excluded)? Life was so simple back then.

     Your journey through your 13 years of school should be as follows; K-6, also known as "elementary" school or "grammar" school.  A wonderfully magical place where you begin to learn the essentials for being forced into organized education. Kindergarten is natuarlly a half of day, as not to overwhelm the proverbial "new" student with an entire 7 hour day of sitting Indian style and learning the art of unsupervised french kissing (shout out to Manisha Bassett).

     1st thru 3rd is that next level shit, nah mean? An all day bullshit-fest, 5 days a week, with weekly visits of culture, such as music, art, and for some reason, in a pre-taco infested U.S., spanish. 4th thru 6th, which is pretty much the same as 1st thru 3rd, except add in your own seperate, more mature lunch hour and the discovery of "fingering".

     Then BAM!!!!! Your first of many meaningless graduations, and you're over halfway out of your mama's house, . . . . in an ideal world that is.

     7th and 8th grade are a bit of a blur, which is ironic because I feel as if jr. high/middle school are
THE most important grades in deciding which "class" of human you will become in high school. Parents, this is the point in your child's life when you'll figure out if you wasted your money on all those little league-esque sporting events or not, OR whether your little chaste angel will inevitably take you through a whorish roller coaster ride that may very well end in frequent Planned Parenthood visits.

After these grades, if your middle school was lame, you had an even MORE meaningless graduation ceremony.

    Aw SNAP!!!!!!!! Time to get your high school on. I don't think I have to be TOO descriptive on what this is like. Cliques, extra-curricular activities, hotel/house parties, drinking, drugging, teen sex, and Algebra apparently. I, personally, grew out of that Algebra shit in the 7th grade, but what can I say, some of us mature more than others. Some of you are headed to the college and or university of your choice, to further your education and sexual explorations. Some of you, straight to the workforce, because luckily for you, your subconscious has already prepared you for the oncoming recession, another magical era where degrees are worth nothing more than the feces that graduates from your ass.

     Most smaller towns have a few elementary schools, perhaps 1 or 2 middle schools, and then their one beloved high school. Larger towns, also known as cities, generally have an inflated amount of these, resulting in the always fun (and in the case of an urban place like Gary, IN) sometimes dangerous high school rivalries. This has always been the fuel that gassed up bragging rights for sectional, regional and state championships all over the state in any sport you cherished, but more specifically football, and of course, the first love of most Hoosiers (and all blacks), basketball. Some of my fondest memories are a result of the friendly/deadly rivalries between West Side, Roosevelt, and those other 3 retard factories that played mid card to the our main event.

   I recall shortly after leaving my junior high school, the Gary School Corporation decided to take 6th grade out of grammar school and stick it in jr. high. . . . . first mistake, though not THAT big of a deal.

   Around 2001, the state of Indiana, specifically the IHSAA (Indiana High School Athletic Association), decided that instead of the normal tournament style elimination sectional battles, that would inevitably lead to the crowning of a state champ, they would instead, divide the sectional into "classes" (i.e. 4A, 3A, 2A, A). Apparently, it was felt that these class divisions allowed smaller rural schools to earn a chance at winning state titles as well. Fuck practicing, recruiting, and digging deep to will your school towards the trophy, a la the movie Hoosiers. Just make it easier for crappy high schools with 2 digit graduating class capacities to worm their way to a championship. Makes sense right? I mean, if you're good, you're good. And if you suck, then fuck it, but that's just me. Second mistake.

     Then they started closing schools all over Gary. High school wise, Horace Mann was the first to go, and though the phrase "good riddance" was the general thought, in retropsect, Third mistake.

     Soon, many more schools began biting the dust, grammar, middle, and high. Be it funding, asbestos, or whatever, it ultimately sucked the last bit of life out of an already dead city.

     Then, the worst idea i ever heard was uttered. Apparently, the plan is to eliminate junior highs altogether, and somehow house 7th and/or 8th graders with the high schools. High schools, mind you, that aren't even called high schools anymore. (i.e. West Side High School, now known as West Side Leadership/Military Academy.  Lew Wallace High School, now known as Lew Wallace Science Technology Engineering Mathematics Academy. And Roosevelt High School, now known as Academy of Mentally Inept Clowns. . . .I think).

     What a great idea. In an obvious attempt to increase casting for the MTV hit Teen Mom, they come up with an idea to house 13 year olds and 18 year olds in the same building.

     In nation wide news, I hear talk about co-ed bathrooms and locker rooms are next. (That little news tidbit was sourced from The View, 'cuz let's face it, bitches don't lie).

     Why not just cut down to one high school and call it Statutory Senior High?

Noureen DeWulf

     After slipping on a banana peel and watching Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past, my own personal Slum Dog radar was set off. She wasn't even particularly "sexy" in the movie, as her role was more so the lowly assistant type. Somehow, someway I was reading something about hockey (thanks Felicia) and Ryan Miller (hockey player for some hockey team) mentioned his girlfriend was in Ghosts Of GF's. After cross referencing with my dear friend Google, I discovered the lowly assistant was this busty middle eastern beauty. I've never benefitted so much visually from a Matthew McConaughey romcom in all my life. . . and that's why Noureen is this blog's vagina hero.

A Big Fucking Deal. . . .

2010-03-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

"Don't get sick, and if you do get sick, die quickly." Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.), summing up the Republican health care plan

That qoute pretty much sums up my own personal health care plan since I was 16. Everybody thought i was stupid and careless. 16 years later, I'm still here.

So, ok, this whole healthcare reform is a big whup with everybody, I, personally, don't even see why. I often feel like everything rich white christians complain about is blown out of proportion. They just sort of have a history of doing that. Not to say that poor black atheist don't, or even middle class chinese muslims. Whoever/whatever you are, if you have a complaint, and enough resources, chances are, we'd never hear the end of it. Hell, I'm the same way, I guess, but this issue has been personally blown out of proportion in my opinion. I mean, it's not like it's the War or anything right?

Here's my standpoint, and this is all based on the fact that I don't even feel the need to have every little fucking detailed fact about the matter.
The main arguemnt I hear against the whole healthcare issue is about how un-constitutional it is. To that I say, who gives a shit. We've been doing un-constitutional shit for years. Most of Republicans previous beefs and gripes have been about shit they didn't want us to do, but we're, by law, allowed to do based on the constitution. So my question would be, what does it matter if this (which seems to be a noble cause)is un-constitutional or not? The whole "changing things around so the Gov't can spy on us" act was un-constitutional, yet the repubs kept assuring us it was for our own good and saftey. Ok, but healthcare isn't?

Another issue I've heard is about how it's unfair to force us to have health insurance. Apparently, this means that once it's super official, it will be "illegal" to NOT have insurance, and apparently, that's bad. Uhm, I didn't hear all this crying when we were forced to have car insurance. Where were all the protesters when they forced us to where seat belts? It's the same premise, but "apparently" those slipped through the cracks. Isn't it blatantly hypocritical to go ape shit over the president making something a requirement when you didn't even give a shit about other things being made a requirement under the same rhyme and reason? I mean, by all technicalities, anytime somebody makes ANY new rule or law at all, doesn't it always infringe on your freedom to not do it?

It's hilarious to me how when the wealthy, good christian population get pissed, they make the riots and other hoopla of the Civil Rights movement look like bad kids at a daycare. Bricks through windows? Really? Let's take it old school and bring back racism (well, it really never left, but you know what I mean.). Shame on the democrats actually, for not having the notion to break out the water hoses and dogs. I mean, when a large group of hostile people get together, those ARE the necessary tools right? Or is it different when you have $2,000 suits or expensive botox treatments rather than hippie clothes or non white skin?

I also find it hilarious that people are now reverting back to the whole Obama is Hitler thing. If I'm not mistaken, unless back in the '30s a concentration camp was a hospital, Barack isn't Hitler. I mean, such a serious accussation from the group of people who fully, without fail, supported Bush. It's cute really. I just recently saw an episode of a reality show called Pretty Wild, about 3 girls with nice tits and 12 year old faces who are rich and are under the assumption that they are the next Kardashian Clan. They all have distinct personalities, you know, like Spice Girls. One is in court every episode because she's a suburban bad ass. The other is always on a date or whining about a dude, which makes her the whore I guess. Then the youngest one (I think, again, they all look 12 with nice tits) is the tantrum throwing one. The mother gets them all together and announces that they are gonna move closer to L.A., which is probably, at the most, about a half an hour from where they live now. The two girls are like, ok, whatever, who gives a shit. The youngest breaks down almost immediately. No transition in the midst of asking questions. Not even a valid reason WHY she's upset. Just immediate and intense response of "I can't believe you're doing this to me" in the highest schreeching, Sweet 16 tantrum like voice. Face contorted to Precious like ugly status. Tear ducts with the power to drown an entire sinful city. All this from a little girl who already gets everything she wants anyway. And to me? That is what the Republicans look like. Tantrum throwing little big tittied bitches who can't have their way.
Nuff Said

Jenna Fischer

aka

"Pam"

Funniest show on television EVER? Debatable. Funniest cast on television today? Probably. Most wanted female character on television in my mind? Definitely. As a man, how can you NOT want a Pam Beesley. She's hot (and yes, I realize they display her a bit more reserved and frumpy on the actual show, but these pics prove her endless potential of masturbatude). She's hilariously snarky and sarcastic (which for me is almost far more necessary than looks or personality). What more do you need? Pam Beesley is the epitome of "IT" girl. No one cares if she breast feeds the wrong baby (lucky baby), and honestly, every Thursday I look forward to watching the Office and being slightly jealous of Jim. Let's face it, Jim's the type of guy that seems fun to hang around, and would probably make a great best friend. Pam is enough to make you say FUCK your friend, which is why she is this week's Vagina Hero.

Brand New Approach

2010-03-13T20:54:00.000-08:00

“It's not until you lose everything, that you are free to do anything.” -Tyler Durden

So, as the year of 2010 has made it extremely clear that it will not do me any favors, I find myself it a slightly too familiar, yet interesting point in my life. I’m 32 years old. Single. A victim of my own foolish decisions. On the lighter side, I’ve gotten my feet wet in an industry that has ignited my once dampered creative side. My views on the optimism of love and dating has received a much needed jolt of youthful excitement. A beneficiary of my own traditional “bounce backs”.
I’ve recently lost some friends, . . . .a procedure I am all too familiar with, therefore numb about. I recall a conversation I’ve had with one of the only friends I’ve held on to past a 10 year stint. She had also lost one of her best friends to life’s constant series of bullshit, and she is the type that takes it very hard. It was at that moment that I realized my asshole-esque defense mechanism has served as a condom for Isolophobia (the fear of solitude or being alone) and that I’m fine with that. Alienation is a small side effect I’m willing to accept. I’m an army brat trapped in a non army brats body.
Holding on to something that doesn’t conduct itself in a “wanting to be held” way is extremely counter-productive. I understand that loss of attachment to someone or something is often heart wrenching and disappointing. Especially when it’s of a romantic kind. Hell, even losing a best friend is life altering, but isn’t that what life is? Always altering? I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. I also am a Christian bred believer in karma, if that makes any sense. For every terrible, crushing blow life dishes out, it also reciprocates with it’s own silver lining blow job, the blow job metaphorically equaling an awesome blessing. This frame of thinking has lifted me out of sentimental slumps that, purely based on my observations of people, would probably have traumatized a less guarded “heart on sleeve” individual.
With that being said, it is a double edge sword, when out of the ruins of a massive shit storm, that you meet or reconnect with someone who holds the same reticence of emotional commitment you do. Some might say this is a recipe for inevitable disaster, which, I’m sure, has a certain percentage of truth to it. Statistics of failure has never stopped me from pursuing things or people I want, obviously. This is where I am, socially, right now.
Where I’m from, the Region, probably the biggest little neighborhood I’ve known, it’s hard to meet someone who hasn’t already, at the least, known you through the stories and involvement of others. When you do, it’s almost like meeting the love of your life. This is where I am, emotionally, right now.
In ANY environment, be it the ‘burbs, the ghetto, lower, middle, or higher class, meeting someone who you can just “talk to” and feel like you spent the entire day enjoying an amusement park, is something cherish able. It’s rare to have moments that refresh childhood memories of meeting your “Winnie Cooper” (if you don’t comprehend that reference, then you’re lame). I’m not even talking about the whole “excitement of holding hands being ruined by becoming sexually active” theory. I’m talking the whole “excitement of riding bikes together ruined by becoming sexually active” theory. Do you remember the innocence of being young and having a friend of the opposite sex, and simply enjoying their voice, company and smile? This is where I am, happily, right now.
If you are in this sort of youthful state right now, word of advise, take it slow. Letting it happen to you is far more rewarding than the mess that occurs when you force yourself to happen to it. Trust me.
Now, taking it slow is not give the message that you should foot brake the situation, Flintstone style. That’s a terrible need to control it, which prevents some of the natural benefits that come from these rare instances. Rather than anchoring it, for the sake of taking it slow, just ride it in neutral. You’ll definitely smile a lot more, and the pressure of what you’re feeling towards that person will seem almost non existent. This is where I am, strategically, right now.
I’m not labeling myself an expert, relationships and friendships being two of the few things I’m not an expert at. These are merely the thoughts I’ve accrued over time, and what has seem to garner positive results. Do with your life what you will, but you’ll never be able to say you didn’t hear it from me.

Jennifer Garner

I usually have a group of celebrities that I plain just don’t like for remotely no reason whatsoever. Generally it’s something about their demeanor and/or presence that turns me off from even giving them a chance to win me over. Jennifer Garner was a former member of that group.
She always came off as either weird, not very personable and charismatic, or snooty to me. I was never a fan of Alias. Her credits, pre 2006 (with the exception of Catch Me If You Can), never really interested me. I didn’t even really consider her eye shockingly attractive (except for in the aforementioned Catch Me If You Can. She was fucking hot in that). She then marries Ben Affleck, whom, if you know me, I find over rated, unentertaining , and a joke when delivering the ever redundant RomCom “money shot” monologue. That’s all it took for me to dislike her.
Enter the film Juno. A movie I enjoyed, though maybe not as much as the entire teen mother sympathetic country. What I did love about it was Jennifer Garner’s character. Her delivery of the uptight, condescending, life perfectionist adoptive mother cracked me the fuck up. It came off very effortless and natural, and I kind of dig that about certain performances.
I then saw The Invention Of Lying, and I was totally hooked. If you had explained the premise of the movie to me before hand, then told me Jennifer Garner was in it, I would’ve probably felt leery about her ability to roll with the rest of the cast. Her performance, along side Ricky Gervais, was again, effortless. She hung with Gervais’ style quite effectively, causing me to add The Invention Of Lying to my list of favorite flicks. Thanks Jen. I’m sure she’s somewhere, on her knees, thanking the Lord that Keith Evans has been converted into a fan. I’m sure. Jennifer Garner, this week's Vagina Hero.

This is a demo reel introduction of a web series Digital Lizard Productions is going to be premiering soon, Nocturnal Emissions w/ Steven Thomas Darrell. Extremely funny concept in my opinion. The delivery has the potential to only get better, on my part, so please stay tuned. Let me know what you think, positive OR negative, but understand, it's fucking comedy people, so, unless, you have constructive criticism on how it can be funnier, fuck off.

Nuff Said,
Evans From The Heavens

This is JUST a test

2009-11-27T18:30:00.000-08:00

I'm just testing my ability to blog from my berry... So just consider this a sound check.
Blah blah blah, fuck the system!
Blog blog blog, gay people cry too much!
Yadda yadda yadda, I can't stop watching reality shows featuring Armenians

Picture of the moment